eternal adrenaline chasing, or: a story of ADHD

There is so much I wanted to do for her. There are million unfinished documents on my laptop. Things I was going to write about her, for her. She was the most beautiful something I had ever seen. As was everyone else I´ve ever liked. She had this overwhelming, mesmerizing beauty that I wasn´t able to grasp in those moments with her. I was so enchanted by her beauty, I couldn´t even put it into words. I thought a beauty like hers would last forever. A beauty that went far beyond appearances. I thought I would never see her differently. Maybe I should´ve known it wouldn´t last. Because it never had before. Before her, there was someone else that was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and now they´re just another one of those people I used to crush on. Just like she is now. I wish these things could last forever, but I doubt they ever will. Forever is too big. Forever is a whole concept. A whole eternity. Scary and beautiful at the same time. Maybe one day, forever will exist, but not today. Today there is only now and maybe later. If I could wish for one thing, I might wish for forever. I wish I could have what isn´t possible. I wish the thing I don´t believe in was in realm of possibility. Or, one could learn to value the moments that feel like if they lasted forever, you wouldn´t be mad about it. As brief and fleeting as they might be. They can be collected. The accumulation of tiny little forever moments could make up half a forever. I take it back. I wouldn´t wish for forever, I would wish to not wish for forever. I want to not want what I want. Not wanting what I want would make it so much easier. But I guess you can´t really influence your desires. Wanting it kind of makes it impossible not to want. Can such deep desire even be tempered? And is there sense in trying to fight it? Or has it already spread its roots all throughout your body? How does someone go from the most excruciatingly beautiful human being to ever exist to just another person? The thing is, this isn´t even about her -- it never actually was. She just happened to be there. Coincidentally, she became the object of my desire. She was just there and then she became the victim of my projection. Is that right place right time or wrong place wrong time? In the end, what we strive for is adrenaline--that rush that courses through your entire body. That rush that has you in a chokehold. Because you would do anything to obtain it. Ultimately, it is what you live for. Different things provide different people with different types of adrenaline. But adrenaline doesn´t last long. Adrenaline is that first excitement that makes you addicted and then suddenly you need more and more of the thing that gives you excitement until one day, the thing doesn´t offer you adrenaline anymore. So, you go and seek your adrenaline elsewhere. At least I do. So yes, I wish her beauty, all their beauties, would last forever. And I´m not talking about physical beauty. I´m referring to the whole of a person. Every detail of their being. Beauty will never be the same as when you first saw it. It doesn´t fade, you just get used to it. So maybe I will always chase the adrenaline of that first moment of mesmerizing beauty. Don´t we all?