Koh Tao, Sairee

Today is the second day in Koh Tao, and I have started to settle in and gotten used to the fact that there are more people here on the beaches and it's more commercialized. But the tempo is still nice. We have mostly been lying on sunbeds in the shade at the resort, meaning on sunbeds between the pool and the beach. My daughter wanted a roti with Nutella for lunch, but no one had opened their stalls yet. We ended up having two lemon shakes while searching for lunch. We ended up at Mama Tam since we noticed the night before that they seemed to have good breaded chicken. Oh my, it was so delicious and generous. 180 baht for two dishes and water. After lunch, we hung out a bit by the pool and talked to a Swedish man who was there with his family. We exchanged some tips and travel experiences.

In the sea, my daughter started asking about the last trip, which was in 2017 with D. He had done something less than brilliant, and I told my daughter the same thing I had told X, who had brought D up several times. That D wasn't the smartest but was kind. My big teddy bear who took care of me. I remembered when X forced me to explain why my previous relationships ended. I recounted all my relationships since I was 16. What had I done wrong, and after covering them all, the response was cold: ‘would they respond the same if I asked them?’. I said most likely not, as everyone experiences things differently. He then said, well, then it could have been your fault. It's so insane when I think back on it, but at that time, I only saw it as questions that needed to be answered truthfully. I also keep thinking about that thing where he asked XX about her consent when they had sex last. That question makes me feel it occurred after we had established contact since I brought that topic into our conversation about how important it is to check on it. I feel a bit nauseous about the thought, partly because I had shared my baggage, and with that knowledge, the betrayal is so deliberately hurtful… but on the other hand, I have been used to so many occasions where he lacks the ability to feel empathy for others. Not in a mean way, but it is just missing…

After the beach, my daughter and I took a walk north. Up and down hills until we arrived and could take pictures overlooking Nang Yuan. We'll see if we even head out there. Once back at the resort, I made a discovery that made me cheer. Hot water in the shower! What a fantastic feeling to shower my back :)

We had decided to hang out a bit on the beach at sunset and grab a drink at a place that had a fire show before we would wander around and eat some good food from various stalls. The first stop made my daughter so happy because earlier in the day, we said there probably wasn’t even anyone selling grilled corn anymore. But there stood two twin sisters selling corn and crepes. So our food journey started well. Then we found spring rolls with chicken, fried spiral potatoes, homemade ice cream, and we finished it all with roti back at our terrace.

It’s match day today, and thoughts go back to X and all his crap. How much rubbish he talks about leaders, board members, engaged families, and their daughters. I don't understand how he dared to spew all that crap to me, but since XX has protected him for all these years and how he has navigated tough situations, I guess that has created a sense of being sacred and not worrying too much. He has made quite inappropriate comments about the sports director's origins in the association. How the president mismanages the association and will ruin it. He even expressed that at my family’s home, despite it being his first time meeting them. To be fair, he was a bit tipsy, but still. But he knows how he has behaved for many years and got away with it, even if he has mentioned in our long talks that I should know how much crap he has had to take in his life… I now think more about how much crap has he dished out and got away with. I understand why it was so important for him to emphasize how he wished we would treat each other with respect. Was there respect during our last time together? I still remember when I first cried and dared to say those words on the way from Fårö. Those words he took over and used as his strongest argument… as if it had been his insight and his contemplation. So damn sick.

Board members I have talked to after know and understand. But he gets away with it… he is who he is.