Full day in Chaweng

Today we took a taxi over to Chaweng and started the day with a few hours at the beach. We chose to stay at Lamai because that beach was supposed to be nicer and calmer. It is indeed calmer, but the water was so much clearer and nicer at Chaweng, and it felt so much more pleasant here. At Lamai, the sand is coarse and shell-like. Suddenly, my daughter seemed a bit eager to try parasailing, but it didn't happen anyway.

I have had a 'must have' on this trip, and that has been a visit to Swensen, and yesterday it was… so good! I don’t understand why we don't have that in Sweden. It turned into a proper beach and shopping day which ended with a night market. My daughter's new favorite is breaded and fried shrimp.

I have felt very strongly that I don’t want to go home, home to all the burdens. At first, it felt like writing about everything was some form of therapy and something to return to when the longing overwhelms me. Then it felt like all the thoughts were consuming me, and I couldn't find the words for everything, or rather, the thoughts became so many that I felt pressured to articulate them all. Now the journey home is approaching, and I am starting to settle in. It feels strange and I still wonder how the hell it could be like this. Why don’t I instinctively follow my gut feeling and dare to trust it instead of getting tangled up? To trust more in the other party when he is overwhelmed with guilt and grand words. My gut feeling tells me one thing, and then there are those brain demons. Sometimes the brain demons scream that I shouldn’t trust my partner, but also that I shouldn’t trust myself. That I am the one who is wrong and thinking incorrectly. It has been very beneficial to have all the hours recorded when X went on about how worthless I am. There and then, I believed it, but when you can listen back, you feel how toxic those 'dialogues' were. They aren't monologues because I also speak, but my words are more about excuses and explanations. I try to explain how I feel and what I mean. He also brings this up as if I always have answers to everything and excuses for my behavior. A part of me wants to make him healthy, to make him feel good. I have always wanted to fix people, but unfortunately, I feel like this task will be too costly. A part of me says I should stop with him, and he has to face the consequences, but the other part wants to fix him. But then comes the feeling that you can't fix someone who doesn’t want to be fully fixed. As they said at Family Peace. When this personality type can no longer own anyone, they quickly move on, and honestly, I don’t believe my brain demons were wrong in feeling that he was involved with more… he needs that validation. Mostly as validation and fuel, but also as some sort of backup. In a person who is so grandiose in their own self-image, there is still only a very small and broken person. Sometimes it felt like he knew that himself and wanted help, but then he was the biggest, best, and most beautiful, and everything was just everyone else's fault. He took no responsibility for anything.