2025… my year

2025 is going to be my year, something I started telling myself already in October 2025, and back then it looked so promising… X even made it my password for club-related logins. I thought he was clever and wonderful. But I hadn’t yet experienced the line in Beyonce's song.

 Indra is still sleeping, and the alarm is set to go off in an hour. Sleep has been hit or miss these past weeks, but last night I slept unusually well. This trip comes at the perfect time and will do me good. I think many might find my writing very exposing and maybe even a bit mean. I see it as a form of therapy. Putting words to things. Packing away what has been, healing, and moving on. 2025 was supposed to be my year, I said after a tough 2023/24. On this journey, I would not only have my beloved Indra but also the man of my life. For in October, I was so convinced that I had found him. As he said, 'I've never felt like this, and we'll take life to a new dimension.' I understand that you who are on the sidelines with sober eyes are screaming red flag, but I was so head over heels in love that I could die for the good moments and the validation he gave me. The love, the music clips, the words, etc. I fell at first sight, which was very unexpected given that there are so many attributes on paper that are completely wrong for me. But there was something, and he quickly caught me with fast-paced conversations, the same quirky humor as me, similar baggage, deep and meaningful conversations, and always pointing out how great I was… how great we would be and become. I kept a good amount of distance despite my feelings. I had experienced a lot of sorrow in 2024, he was very newly separated, and I felt fear. Then I have to be honest and admit that at our first meeting, I was dating a really nice guy… a Gotlander living in Stockholm. I so wanted the right feelings to emerge, but they hadn't really developed even though I enjoyed his company so much. When I quickly realized that he wasn't the one I was thinking about when I woke up or just before I fell asleep, I had to have the tough conversation and cancel our planned weekend in Gotland. Tough, of course, but the only right thing to do at that time. He had already told me that the guy I had fallen for was complicated and had some baggage without knowing that we had begun to connect in a way that was beyond just the club-related matters.

No, now there are 20 minutes until the alarm goes off, so I should probably sneak into the shower and freshen up a bit before a long journey awaits us before we reach the warmth and can settle by the sea. I am convinced that this trip will be a balm for the soul. My long texts about my recent months will surely be seen as bitter ruminating. For me, it will be a healing and a closure, I hope!

Now shower, breakfast, and buying some semlor. I will probably write quite a bit today since it's travel day and there won't be much in the way of photos.

The breakfast at Hotel Unique was just perfect! Friendly staff, comfortable beds, and a good breakfast for 716 kronor. We would love to come here again!

Semlor purchased, and I am now on the airport bus. So many thoughts that I hope will fade away once I've had a chance to write them down. One thing that struck me several times in recent days is that the date last summer was so 'eager', showed interest, and expressed that he would have liked to join. X showed no interest, didn't want to see pictures of the accommodation, never said he wanted to be included, that he was happy for us, etc. Completely cold and uninterested. I’ve wondered if it was his lack of empathy or some internal gnawing jealousy. He had no interest in remembering the travel date, and when I finally pointed it out, he said he had so much to keep track of that this was of no interest to him. Okay… I know he had a lot, but it was always like this. I laughed when I found the gift I bought the day before I broke up and picked up my key. I had bought a back scratcher that I intended to place at home on his pillow… so he wouldn't miss me. What I laugh at is that I scratched his back practically every time we met and usually also rubbed his back… how many times do you think he scratched my back? Two?… hahaha… no zero times. But we were only together for three months, so it probably would have come if I had folded and swallowed his garbage. Thanks anyway to ML for earlier experiences in life. Now I sought help (albeit on the wrong grounds) and left earlier.

The plane was supposed to take off from Swedish soil at 1 PM, but now at 2:15 PM, we are still at the gate. However, we have managed to spend 58 Swedish kronor on two Kinder eggs. I almost fell on the conveyor belt… not to yourself. Don't walk backwards unless you have eyes in the back of your head or a daughter to warn you.