It's progressing and I'm doing well...!

A new day with new possibilities! Tea by the sea, a soothing shower - then I'll discuss the next steps with Cam. She has done a great job and presents me with the plan: first, back to the police where I am to request a document regarding Udo's cause of death, and then to the 'Koh Phangan District Office', where I (hopefully) will receive another document authorizing the cremation. From there, I'll head to the ambulance service tomorrow, and then to the temple for the cremation. She even arranges for the necessary flowers...! She strongly advises me against inviting the landlord and her family to the ceremony as they wished, or contacting them at all... So I will have to bury my desire to learn more about Udo's time here. My fear of ending up in unpleasant situations is too great: I have already felt very uncomfortable surrounded by the landlord's family demanding money...

It hurts me deeply; I had envisioned it so differently: I dreamt of being warmly welcomed, perhaps even staying at the place where my biological father spent his last days, and in the evenings, being told stories about him over a cold beer. However, this hope took a hit when I received a relatively unenthusiastic response from the guests there to my question: 'You were friends with Udo?' with the reply, 'Well, we knew each other...'

I have arranged with David & Cam to stay another week; I feel too comfortable here - and I don't even know if I could manage everything alone if I were to leave tomorrow...

Back at the police station, I am greeted quite kindly and sent upstairs - they know me by now, and I'm allowed to wait sitting in one of those neon-pink plastic chairs (leftovers? Anti-aggression measure? I dare not ask...). The officer responsible for me, 'Captain Cem,' is currently not in the house, on duty regarding a 'dead tourist' - or maybe just out of the office and generally responsible for dead tourists; I can't quite figure it out, communication is difficult here too. But I should sit and wait, once again, that much is clear...

An officer unknown to me comes into the office, listens to my case, looks at the available documents & makes several longer phone calls. He disappears, returns, and then asks: 'Ah, you are his daughter?!' Yes, as I've mentioned several times, I am Udo's daughter; why is that always so surprising?! He makes another call, a second colleague (superior?) joins, and they both sift through stacked documents on another desk... I continue to wait, but this time the atmosphere is friendlier. There's no way we will make it to the District Office by 2 PM (Cams' plan) if this continues... I miss my crochet work again!

I also really need to be attentive: when I am spoken to, it is often in such heavily 'colored' English that I often realize after the second or third time that I am the one being addressed...

The colleague apologizes, the officer responsible is in Surathani and will be back in the office on Monday; I should come back then - a mild internal crisis on my side. With the help of a translation app (indispensable!), I make it clear to him how much time has already passed and that I am keen on a cremation as soon as possible. I plead & I beg, and lo and behold, 'I understand you!,' he calls someone, sits down at the computer, and prints out the document for me - he has reached his colleague who has told him where it is stored... Off to the District Office (or what it must be according to the GPS - I can't read anything here again!). At the 'reception,' they do not understand me at all, a citizen helps with translation. I am sent further and get to the counter fairly quickly. Documents are checked, my passport is inspected - then it turns out that a detail is missing on the police document, and I am sent back. Luckily, both buildings are not far apart at all... With fewer and fewer inhibitions to draw attention to myself, I receive the document from the police this time without a prolonged wait, as it is completely filled out (and I have the feeling they find it a bit embarrassing). Confidently back to the District Office, my documents are collected, and - I wait...

Funny moments (the funny ones): when attempts are made to pronounce my name, including all three first names...

Frightening moments (the scary ones): I often have to sign documents that I can't read at all. There is no translation, and without my signature, nothing can proceed here. I'm constantly reassured that it's okay, and I shouldn't worry. They have no idea what that does to my security-needing brain...! And while I would never do this in Germany, I diligently sign everything that's put in front of me here...

I am asked which temple I have chosen. I have to choose a temple?! Until now, I thought it would be 'automatically' the one near the ambulance station...? Fortunately, another angel appears in the form of a young woman with English skills, and with the help of translation & map apps, we agree on exactly that, 'Wat Rat Charoen.'

I feel that the caseworker is handling all the other incoming requests in between, while 3 colleagues are relatively idle in my eyes - but what do I know about the processes here…?! Outside, the sun is shining, and once I am done here, I will practically have the rest of the day 'off', yay…! The sea is calling...

Back at the bungalow, I want to show Cam my treasures (the newly obtained documents) - as she is busy, I send her photos of them, and shortly thereafter receive the best news of the day: 'You have all the documents now. Everything is perfect.'

My work is done for today, and I look for a beach where I can spend some time. A half hour before sunset, I drive, with a quick stop at the 7/11, to the Phangan Villas, where Chris & David are sitting by the sea. The greeting is very warm, and we toast with the cold beer I brought (I know what’s appropriate)... Sitting at the little table are Birgit & Mättes, from Cologne, of all places! I share what has happened in the meantime, there is much laughter and nodding - they seem to have had their own experiences with Thai bureaucracy. Later, I blissfully roll home, firmly resolved to go out again and do something. I relax a bit in the hammock because 'my' pavilion is cheekily occupied by a German couple that moved in yesterday. They have settled in nicely: drinks, snacks, music, cards. They ask me if I would like to join a game, and I happily join - but only for one game, as I still want to go out! Well, Tini & Niels from Hamburg are very nice, their stories interesting, the mood good - eventually, I lose track of time and still go to bed quite late...

Since I keep getting asked how I'm feeling about the whole situation, I will try to describe my emotional state: it feels somewhat ungrateful to respond with anything other than 'good!' in this setting - no matter how sad the reason for this trip is. I am on one of the most beautiful islands, the climate is perfect, the food delicious, and life is cheap. But I can only enjoy it 'with the handbrake on' because there is always some to-do waiting. This tension overshadows everything, even curiosity & sorrow. I try to keep my fears small: will I be ripped off here, in a foreign language? Does the next signature mean my complete financial ruin? And who even said I am grown up enough for all this shit here...?! This full responsibility, not being able to consult any 'trusted person,' having to make all decisions alone - somehow, I had imagined all this to be easier.

And last but not least: I hope to stay healthy - the situation was too spontaneous for vaccinations (e.g. Hepatitis A) (I inquired).

I also miss some people very much already, and besides all the annoying aspects of this experience, I would love to share the beautiful and funny moments with one or several people by my side. Fortunately, my friends & family never leave me alone, and even prompted by this blog, I receive many warm words (I've never sent or received so many voice messages). Shoutout to Mel, who is currently in New Zealand: you always manage to make me laugh (again), thank you for that!

So, in summary: I am doing very well under the circumstances!