The Roaring Twenties

Do you remember when you were in first grade and the fourth graders seemed so incredibly old and grown up? And you thought they had the perfect life? You really wanted to be like her. When you were in the 4th grade, it was the 13/14 year olds. When I was 14 I wanted to be 17 and 20 year olds seemed so grown up to me. When I was 18, I thought my 20s might be a little more like the lives of Serena van der Woodsen or Rachel Green. I thought in your 20s you have a lot of fun, party non-stop, experience great things, date a lot, love your life, just be happy and live in the moment. Just like when I was 8 I thought I would be so cool and grown up when I was 13. But perhaps the 20s have a different social connotation. In your 20s you should be wild, but not too wild so as not to jeopardize your future, you should lay the foundation for a successful career, your 20s determine the rest of your life, but you shouldn't take yourself and life too seriously take, be free, have your first relationships and anyone who has no prospect of a stable family at the end of their 20s has essentially already lost. You should slowly become financially independent, eat healthily, but not be a philistine. You should be slim and athletic, but go out partying and drink as many substances as possible. You should have many friends and acquaintances, which means you have to adapt. Take risks, but don't make bad decisions. And very important: you should find yourself. Get to know your essence, love yourself as you are, be confident. Become aware of your strengths and weaknesses and learn to use them to your advantage. Different expectations from different social groups. But in any case, a lot of expectations. So many expectations, almost none of which I seem to fulfill. Why do I often feel like a child at 21 when my mom had her first child at 23? Do I still feel like a child at 30? Do I perhaps need to prepare for a professional career? Even if that doesn't sound like the life I want to live? And do I even need to worry about my future when the world seems to stand still in this state of uncertainty? No one acts while the walls around us begin to crumble. Sometimes I feel small and powerless and consider orienting myself more towards a future according to our wonderful capitalist meritocracy. But I notice again and again and more and more that this doesn't suit me, I don't see myself there. I don't have to prepare my 20s for later developing burnout while sitting in an office chair somewhere in the Ruhr region for 40 hours a week. I often feel a bit lost and don't know what to expect. I feel guilty because I choose to go against the model of life that is often expected by society and many family members. There is such a path, it is already marked out. So far only with pencil. You should trace it with permanent marker. Everyone knows immediately when you paint out of line. And dancing out of line will be punished severely. Not by everyone, but mostly by those who have power or authority. I'm noticing more and more how much I don't care. Maybe this is growing up. Finally live for yourself and not for others. And sometimes life is just like that in Sex and the City or New Girl or How I Met Your Mother. I'm in my 20s and I feel like a child. I often make “bad” or “irresponsible” decisions. Very often. I accidentally drink Emma at the club, kiss people I don't really want to kiss, get bad grades because I had to go to that one party because I like that one person so much. Which will hurt me in the end. I'm on my cell phone far too often or watching stupid American series when I could be reading. I speak my mind too loudly in places where I should keep my mouth shut. Some “adults” have a bad image of me. Sometimes I'm not social enough. Sometimes I don't want to date anyone for 3 days. Don't exercise for weeks. I haven't done an internship since the 9th grade, even though my sister keeps telling me how important it is in order to get a good job later. I'm always late everywhere. Sometimes I don't feel well mentally and I don't want to go out. I'm too "extreme", too radical and what I'm committed to is "utopian". But isn't that all part of this special time? A time in which you orientate yourself and learn and discover and get to know each other? My last 2 years were a lot of chaos, a lot of acting based on intuition, a lot of politics, little future, a lot of self-doubt and little work, a lot of drinking, dancing, little thinking. And at the same time thinking too much. But sometimes there are those moments when I know that this is my 20s and this is exactly how it's supposed to be. During this time I can be selfish and neglect college to do what I really enjoy. I can step out of line and make endless mistakes, I can be radical and loudly stand up for what I think is right. I'm allowed to listen to myself and my body and if I don't, I may or may not learn from it. This is all my business. I can hang as many posters on my wall as I want, I can design my life just as creatively as my wall. As long as I avoid harming my fellow human beings (unless they are CDU members), everything is morally fine. I'm allowed to love too much and too little and love the wrong person and get sick because I drank too much, miss the flight or lock myself out twice in 2 weeks, spend too much money and feel misunderstood by everyone World. I get to romanticize my 20s. I can do that today and will still be able to do that in 10 and 20 years. And in these moments I feel like the main character of a coming-of-age film, standing in some square in a city of millions with her eyes closed for minutes and appreciating life. Sometimes I think I'm living the exact 20s that I'll look back on and think they were wonderful and free and light as a feather and full of butterflies and very lucky to get out of so many sticky situations alive. In retrospect, they will feel like the coming-of-age films in which being confused and insecure is suddenly the most romantic thing in the world and perhaps you will forget that these moments in the present are not very romantic, but above all emotionally disturbing and lonely and "Somewhere Only We Know" wasn't playing in the background when you were crying in bed. But broken hearts, too many cigarettes, daydreaming, breaking the law, longing, insecurity, chaos, non-linear developments, lots of glitter, passionate kisses, avoidable hospital visits, these are all side effects of the golden 20s. And if you like, your 30s and 40s can be just as golden.