Drawer of life experience

I have lost count of how many times my host mommy has told me 'Vreni, you just have to put that in the drawer of life experience' after I stumbled through the front door, defeated by yet another failure. With so much life experience, sometimes I almost wish I had taken the traditional path of school, university, and work. But an hour later, I find myself at a new spot after exerting myself, once again taking my breath away and feeling like I'm in paradise.

Australia is a constant roller coaster. Every day, the world looks different. Just when you think everything is good and will stay that way, life trips you up and you fall on your face again. And every damn time, you keep going, fighting your way back up, and looking ahead again. There are moments when I want to give up. Moments when I sit outside with my bottle of wine and tobacco, trying to briefly get rid of all the financial worries, all these thoughts that feel like a Holi party with pebbles in my head.
And somehow, it all revolves around this damn money. You bust your ass to earn money, then you have a breakdown at work and lose your job. You see all your dreams and plans collapse in your mind's eye. I could have and should have given more. Always these fucking self-doubts. But there's no time to quit. Vreni, you have to make money.

Damn, what should I do?
'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?' Yes, I could really use a free wish right now. Maybe even 10. I never thought there would be days like this in Australia. Days when you simply lack the strength to get up, evenings when your fears bring tears to your eyes, and mornings when you hide under the covers because you have to suck up to someone again to keep yourself afloat. This was not how it was planned. If there's one thing I learn in Australia, it's to not give a damn about principles or plans. I live for the day. I try to make the most of every day, somehow make money, and see some of our dream island.
And even now, I sit on the beach, alone with my music in my ears, after one of those evenings when fear took over once again.
Time to recharge, calm down, and slowly but surely look forward again. I sit in paradise, with the sun shining on my face and the sea radiating a beautiful bright turquoise.
Take a deep breath. Everything is fine.
I finally lean back and enjoy the moment, at least until I have to open the drawer of life experience again.