Everything Everywhere All at Once Body-Mind-Soul (Vilcabamba)

After until now I have tried to report to you more or less without gaps from my journey, I will certainly not stop suddenly with that :). As I already announced in the last blog entry, I was in this mysterious 11-day San Pedro / Ayahuasca Retreat. Some may now be wondering why I did it at all... Well, I'll just say, it's just a personal thing (and no, there won't be any more public soul stripping... but I will make an exception for good friends [back in Switzerland]). Furthermore, it was also simply out of curiosity that I was motivated to take this adventure. I read a lot about it in advance (those who have dealt with this topic will have noticed that a lot has been reported about it in recent years and it has become something of a hype). But instead of just being satisfied with hearsay stories, I wanted to see for myself. To anticipate it: I survived it, I'm fine and I'm (unfortunately/fortunately) more or less still the same!! As far as I know, no voodoo doll was made of me:). By the way, I wasn't bewitched either or cursed with any shamanic curses (so far I haven't noticed anything...:). Well, but everything in order, one thing at a time.

Preparation

To prepare optimally for the Ayahuasca / San Pedro / Kambo treatment, one should ideally adhere to a strict diet in advance (at least 2 weeks before). How far it goes, you can see with the following, not complete list of prohibitions: No meat, no onions/garlic, no processed products, as little salt as possible, no sweets, no coffee, no alcohol, no tobacco, no sex, no pornography, and as little social media consumption as possible, etc. Honestly, I only started with it a week before and tried to stick to it as much as possible (unfortunately, I'm still a smoker). It was somehow damn difficult to do without coffee and chocolate in Ecuador...

Day 1

Full of anticipation, lost in thought, but also somewhat unsure, I waited for the taxi to finally pick me up and take me to Casa del Sol. After reading a few Ayahuasca experience reports the night before (from horror trips to life-changing dream journeys), I slowly but surely didn't really know what to make of the whole thing anymore. On the one hand, I naturally hoped that everything would turn out well and that I could ideally benefit from it in some way. However, something inside me also feared that everything could go horribly wrong and that I could suffer lasting damage (= psychoses/traumas). But as I said, everything is fine :). The retreat center is located a few kilometers from Vilcabamba (= a hippie-friendly village in the south of Ecuador). The somewhat overgrown park/retreat facility with numerous flowers and plants can be reached after crossing a small wooden bridge. The whole property is a bit hidden. According to some Vilcambambians (or something like that), Casa del Sol could be a kind of sect. Somehow I'm glad that's not the case, otherwise I would probably still be there:):). The main house, decorated with all sorts of ritual decorations (including a centrally located atrium), consists of a kitchen, living, dining and bedroom, sanitary facilities and a few offices. There are also a few detached huts for social phobics/well-to-do people. Furthermore, there are two malocas (= indigenous round or longhouses) where most of the ceremonies took place. Casa del Sol is a small family business with a total of about 7-8 employees. Such and similar retreat centers can be found all over South America (e.g. Colombia, Peru, Brazil, Ecuador). For any imitators: I think it is helpful to inform yourself more precisely in advance, because not all providers seem to be equally reputable. If you want more information about Casa del Sol, please... https://casadelsolvilcabamba.com.

After familiarizing myself with the premises, I was soon allowed to sign a waiver. Of course, if any psychological consequences, medical emergencies or simply death occur, the retreat center does not want to be held responsible :). Gradually, more and more participants arrived. The overwhelming majority of them were Americans. I think it cannot be denied that places like Casa del Sol attracts more spiritually-esoteric people (but I would count myself less among them:)). This was certainly the case during my stay. Well, what else is there to report? I think it would not be an exaggeration to say that many participants came from difficult, if not fractured family relationships and have experienced some severe traumas. Of course, Barrello is not quite sane either. But still, compared to others, I felt quite healthy/normal. There were a dozen of us, between the ages of 30 and 60. Many of them had been in retreat centers several times, while others (including myself) were there for the first time. I generally had the impression that the participants were all interesting people, even if I didn't immediately get along well with everyone. So that you may get a better idea of the people you can meet there: There is, for example, C., the somewhat eccentric hippie woman (at 58 years old, by the way, the oldest female participant), who told me that she has been taking various substances (MDMA, DMT, psilocybin, LSD) on a monthly basis in the past 1.5 years. She needs this to maintain her inner balance... Well, okay... After a short initial getting-to-know-you phase, we were called in for an individual conversation with Ximena (= shaman / co-owner therapist). It was about sharing something personal (i.e., telling your life story) and revealing your intention (you were always confronted with the question of "why"). The whole thing (until everyone was through) took several hours, which the impatient Mr. was naturally very pleased about:). In the afternoon, there was a kind of playful introduction circle. This took place in one of the malocas. The whole thing looked something like this: We were asked to constantly move, jump and stagger through the room and always make eye contact with the other participants. The aim was to establish a connection with the other participants, overcome inhibitions and reduce fears of contact. For one exercise, for example, we were supposed to approach another person, touch the tips of their toes and maintain eye contact at the same time. I found the whole thing quite unusual and somehow uncomfortable. In short, the main focus was as follows: Since you reveal a lot of personal information during the retreat, a trustworthy and benevolent atmosphere should be created among the participants. The thing with "staring silently into each other's eyes" was strange on the one hand, but also very touching and connecting on the other hand. Somehow you get the feeling that you can feel the vulnerability of the other person. I know this may sound a bit lofty or strange, but just try it out, it really has something to it!!! By the way, I can recommend the very impressive documentary "The Artist is Present" by performance artist Marina Abramovic (see https://youtu.be/YcmcEZxdlv4).

After the rather unusual introduction round, the waiting continued a bit. This was the case throughout the week (so if there are any imitators among the readers, it's best to make sure you have enough reading material:)). In the evening, the first ritual was on the program. After Rapé (quite strong tobacco blown into the nose with a wooden tube) was administered to us, we sat together by the fire and waited to take turns going into the sweat lodge. There were 21 stones in the fire (it's a tradition), which were then brought into the pitch-dark sweat lodge (there was a hole in the middle of the sweat lodge, and the participants sat around it). There were 2 rounds (usually there are 4, but with fewer stones) with 10 and 11 stones each (the whole sweat lodge procedure lasted about 45 minutes). I think no one was really sad when finally the sweat lodge was opened so that the next load of stones could be brought in. While we sat in the sweat lodge and water was poured on the stones one after the other (which created an enormous heat within a very short time!!), ritual chants (including drum accompaniment) were sung and expressions of appreciation (I can't think of a better name for it...) were made. Although I usually like to go to the steam bath and/or sauna, I had great difficulty standing it in this environment. After everything was over, we went to the river to cool off :). I think that was my personal highlight of the day, because afterwards I felt super relaxed. After dinner (which was always extremely healthy, as only vegetarian/vegan dishes were served), it was time to go to bed. I slept like a baby (one that sleeps through the night and doesn't wake up the parents every 2 hours for some reason :)):).

Day 2

Just like on the first day, the schedule wasn't very tight. The only treatment that we could optionally take advantage of was the ingestion/administration of Kambo. Kambo is a poisonous frog secretion (see link at the end), which is administered as follows: First, a small wooden stick is heated and then pressed onto the skin one or more times (depending on how much Kambo you want to take). After the burn wound has been disinfected with a gel, the Kambo is used (frog poison on burn wound = ouch). After a short time, a strong physical (immune) reaction is triggered. In advance, you are asked to drink as much water (1.5-2 liters) as possible. The goal is that you have to vomit afterwards (it didn't work for me somehow, others had to vomit after a few seconds...:)). It is supposed to help cleanse the body. It is also said to be able to heal mental/physical illnesses (including cancer). So a little miracle cure (I'm still #in doubt). In our case, it was supposed to serve as a cleaning agent to prepare for the upcoming San Pedro/Ayahuasca ceremonies. Well, for me, the whole procedure looked something like this: First we were asked to sit down and concentrate on our breath (I think it's also called meditation or something like that...;). I sat together with another participant and a shaman in the maloca. First, we were asked to pour inhuman amounts of water into ourselves. Then came the branding. I had it done on my leg because I wasn't particularly keen on having permanent burn scars on my arm (which worked wonderfully, see photo:)). The first act was quite painful. Then came the disinfection gel (by the way, at first I thought this was already the treatment and was somehow relieved that it wasn't so bad after all:):)). Well, unfortunately far from it, because what followed was probably one of the most uncomfortable and frightening experiences of my life in a very short time. When the frog poison developed its full effect in a very short time, an unbearable, pulsating heat suddenly shot into my head. This was accompanied by the worst palpitations. For a short time, I really felt like I wouldn't survive it. I desperately tried to concentrate on my breath to calm myself down. Gradually, I felt a strong tingling sensation in my hands. The uncomfortable sensation of heat and the palpitations subsided somewhat after a few minutes, fortunately. While my teammate had to vomit several times within a short time, I never felt sick at any time. After the worst had subsided, apparently you are supposed to feel very light, liberated and euphoric. Well, for me it somehow didn't work out that way. Even hours later, I felt weak (like having a slight hangover) and without energy. Long story short: I didn't really like it... how should I put it... shitty!! During the whole stay, by the way, we had the opportunity to have Kambo administered 3 times. At that time, however, it was clear to me that there would be no second time. Even though it may be hard to believe, but certain participants loved this treatment!!! Besides dinner, a lot of talking/exchanging experiences and a do's and don'ts session regarding general behavior (in the ceremonies, as well as towards nature and fellow human beings), nothing else was on the agenda (it was just enough for me personally...)

Day 3

Shortly after breakfast (well, except for an undefinable but still halfway tasty juice, there was nothing to eat), it was time for the San Pedro day ceremony. You can imagine the setting something like this: While sitting around a centrally located fire/ritual site (we were 12 participants, 2 shamans and a few helpers), the whole procedure was explained to us step by step. While the fire was lit in the middle (and all sorts of healing herbs and other stuff were burned), there were chants with/without drums, announcements/incantations and prayers. After everything was prepared (i.e., the fire/ritual site), we were given the (by the way, damn disgusting-tasting) San Pedro (see link for more information). After about 1 hour, the effect gradually set in. When I looked around in the circle, I had the impression that the general appearance of some participants deteriorated (= many sweaty, pale faces, bending over their vomit bowls in agony). Many also suddenly started crying (San Pedro makes you very emotionally open). Somehow, there was a strange atmosphere. Traditional chants/songs were sung again and again. The two shamans (Santiago, THE main shaman, and his wife Ximena) also took the floor again and again. In terms of content, topics such as appreciation (towards nature and regarding one's own existence), gratitude, and self-love were addressed. The two shamans did an excellent job of expressing themselves in a very poetic and figurative way. Gradually, the effect of San Pedro became stronger. I found the whole thing extremely challenging. Somehow I felt nauseous and my head was buzzing and I found it increasingly difficult to follow the actual ritual. Of course, San Pedro is touted by the shamans as a sacred "plant medicine" aka miracle drug, but on the other hand, I had the feeling that it captivated me too much and therefore I was somehow completely off track. The atmosphere in the group became increasingly emotional. Many intimate/touching/tragic stories were told. For example, one participant tearfully reported that her daughter had recently been killed in a car accident. Well, stories like that really touch the heart. I think this is the right time to give a big compliment to the work of the shamans. With their authentic, empathetic and sympathetic manner, they did an excellent job of engaging with each individual and their life stories. In my opinion, this is probably the greatest strength of this retreat center. But with all the praise, I also have to bring a little (self-) criticism. While I had the impression with some participants that they absorbed all shamanic interventions quasi blindly and unreflectively, with me, to be honest, it looked a bit different. Well, as a classically scientifically trained psycho nutcase, I am biased in many ways :):) And since I wouldn't describe myself as particularly spiritual (but I'm generally open and tried to be open to everything), I am probably simply less receptive to certain practices (e.g. saying prayers) than others. Well, in conclusion: I unfortunately couldn't gain any great new insights from this ceremony. Furthermore, it was very difficult for me to get involved in the ceremony at all (the San Pedro effect was simply too strong and for me it was rather hindering). Nevertheless, it was certainly an extraordinary and exciting experience to be able to attend such a traditional ceremony. And as I said, the people were really great (although I think they would have been great even without the influence of San Pedro...)

Day 4

Somehow I still felt a bit tired and tense from the whole ceremony (the ceremony lasted about 9 hours and I sat more or less continuously on a moderately soft wooden floor...). Fortunately, there was a dance workshop in Vilcabamba in the morning. The main focus was to get the energy flowing again, overcome inhibitions and strengthen the sense of community (...that's roughly what the dance/meditation leader said:)). And indeed, the dance/meditation class really worked wonders for me. I felt much more relaxed and energized afterwards. For the rest of the day, relaxation, preparation, and integration (= processing what has been experienced so far) were the focus because the first Ayahuasca ceremony was scheduled for the night. For this purpose, a Czech (slightly crazy) dropout couple was invited. First, they wanted to get to know us and our intentions a little better. Furthermore, they tried to prepare us for the upcoming Ayahuasca ceremony. Well, honestly, I didn't necessarily feel more relaxed afterwards, because anything can happen during such ceremonies (from screaming fits, to people undressing, to uncontrollable bowel movements, you name it!!!). But well, I was here, I made the decision to do it, and somehow it was too late to back out. So we went together to one of the malocas (see pictures) and tried to make ourselves as comfortable as possible (sitting/lying on the floor [with a moderately comfortable mat, a few cushions, and a blanket]). The Ayahuasca ceremonies usually last about 8-10 hours and take place in the evening/at night, and you are largely in the dark. With my eyes closed, I suddenly recognized outlines of colored geometric shapes. I also saw some figures here and there. In combination with the songs and chants that were performed more or less throughout the night, I felt like I was in a kind of dream state. It's somehow difficult to describe this state, but I didn't find it uncomfortable at all. I also always felt fully conscious and could bring myself back at any time. I had no visions at all (which are often reported). The Ayahuasca effect reached its peak after about 2 hours. After about 3 hours, I was more or less back to normal. Since I unexpectedly tolerated the Ayahuasca very well, I decided to go for a second round (with a similar dose). In retrospect, however, I could have saved myself the second time, because I didn't feel anything anymore. Unfortunately, I didn't get any new insights regarding my intentions. In my opinion, the songs or music were the real highlight of the night. I can't describe it better, but in my perception, everything sounded like it was from another world. Around 08.00 a.m. (fortunately, I was able to sleep a bit before), the whole thing was over. Even hours later, I still felt quite exhausted.

Day 5

Except for a "sound healing ceremony" (where all sorts of cool sounds were made), the daily program was mainly focused on relaxation, which was good. Unfortunately, the "sound healing ceremony" was not very relaxing for me, as we had to lie down on the rock-hard wooden floor and I had pretty strong back pain. Overall, I was of course very grateful that we were able to rest a bit, as the Ayahuasca ceremony was somehow quite exhausting.

Day 6

After my first experiences with San Pedro were not exactly pleasant, I didn't really know if I should be looking forward to this day. A day hike with San Pedro was on the agenda. Contrary to my fears, however, I tolerated the "medicine" much better this time. We were lucky with the weather (it had been raining more or less every day). The hike was really incredibly beautiful (with spectacular hilly landscapes and dramatic cloud formations), although a bit exhausting. We then made a longer stop on a (sacred) hill. The shamans (Santiago, Ximena) set up a kind of altar there. This served to honor our loved ones and the deceased and to say goodbye to them. This was emotionally very stirring, but somehow also very beautiful and liberating. I was once again very impressed by the eloquence of the shaman couple. It was a really successful day for me. But even here, the day wouldn't have been any worse without San Pedro...

Day 7

Actually, everything started quite calmly. In the morning, there was a yoga class. Although I know that it would do me good, I have never really made friends with yoga. It always brutally reminds me how terribly stiff and immobile I am, which is somehow frustrating. Nevertheless, I pulled myself together and actually felt somewhat more relaxed afterwards. I think I just need a little more practice for this (and a merciless motivational coach). But anyway, I think I'll stick with my good old fitness program because personally it gives me more. The rest of the day, we were allowed to rest/integrate again. After exchanging our experiences with the first Ayahuasca ceremony in a "sharing circle" (the Czechs were there again :)), we had the second session in the evening. While I was still very cautious the first time, I decided on a normal dose this time. About 45 minutes after receiving the Ayahuasca, the effect gradually set in. Well, and what I experienced there was probably one of the most intense experiences I have ever had !!! Within a very short time, I felt the full effect of the "medicine" (forget what I said about Kambo before, this was a completely different league!!) Besides suffering from panic-like palpitations, I had the most intense hallucinations (rainbow-colored geometric figures and bizarre mythical creatures that somehow wanted to make contact with me). It was so much and so intense that I felt completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. For about 3 hours, I was paralyzed and could hardly move. The only thing that moved involuntarily was my head. I could only manage the walk to the toilet on all fours (it took me about half an hour). Bizarre sounds/songs were played and again and again I heard people who had to vomit. The whole experience was simply exhausting for me. Unfortunately, certain participants overdid it a bit with the San Pedro. One participant twisted himself in the most grotesque way (it reminded me a bit of the exorcism film...). The whole thing lasted about 7 hours. After that, we immediately went into the sweat lodge. I hoped that this would sweat out the residual effect of the magic mushroom and was already looking forward to the subsequent cooling off in the river. Unfortunately, not everyone had a good experience in the sweat lodge. The aforementioned contortion artist went berserk for a short time. After two bouts of crying, he suddenly started screaming and lashing out wildly (in the pitch-dark, way too tight sweat lodge... I was sitting more or less next to him). For many (including me), this was a bit too much. The said gentleman had to leave the sweat lodge prematurely. In my opinion, he simply had too much San Pedro in him. You really have to be careful with all these substances!!

Day 8

As I said, I was still quite exhausted from the whole Ayahuasca story. To revive myself a bit, I tried to catch up on some sleep during the day. When I felt a little more recovered, I went to the city together with a few other participants. After this whole experience, I somehow needed a change of scenery (something normal). The short trip really did me good. In the evening, the actual highlight of the day followed - a full-body massage. Oh, how much I needed that :):) I felt infinitely relaxed afterwards and my spirits slowly but surely returned.

Day 9

Another San Pedro day ceremony was on the agenda!! After finding the effect of San Pedro somehow quite unpleasant, I decided to take a low-dose of magic mushrooms for this session (I know, it all sounds a bit crazy, but it was just a small mushroom). I hoped that I could follow the ceremony better that way, but somehow I felt emotionally numb (despite the reduced dose). The shaman (Santiago, his wife was not there this time) gave all sorts of wisdom again (similar to the first time). However, the ceremony was somehow much less emotionally charged than the first time (or I probably wouldn't have noticed it anyway). Unfortunately, some people overdid it with the San Pedro. One participant contorted himself in an abominable way (it reminded me a bit of the exorcism film...). The whole thing lasted about 7 hours. After that, we immediately went into the sweat lodge. I hoped that this would sweat out the residual effect of the magic mushroom and was already looking forward to the subsequent cooling off in the river. Unfortunately, not everyone had a good experience in the sweat lodge. The aforementioned contortion artist went berserk for a short time. After two bouts of crying, he suddenly started screaming and lashing out wildly (in the pitch-dark, way too tight sweat lodge... I was sitting more or less next to him). For many (including me), this was a bit too much. The said gentleman had to leave the sweat lodge prematurely. In my opinion, he simply had too much San Pedro in him. You really have to be careful with all these substances!!

Day 10

For the last day, there wasn't much on the program anymore. In addition to a closing circle, we were given some tips on how to integrate the experiences into our everyday lives. Some crazy people even had Kambo administered one last time (I had definitely had enough!!). At this point, it is certainly appropriate to draw a final (of course highly subjective) conclusion. If you come here just for a bit of fun, you are definitely in the wrong place. The whole thing was incredibly exhausting!!! Honestly, I somehow hoped for a little more or something else from it... I didn't have any great new (life-changing) insights. In my opinion, the intake of all these substances was not really beneficial, on the contrary, I repeatedly had the impression that they rather blocked me. Of course, the people know their business, but that would also apply to a well-trained, experienced therapist. Nevertheless, I am convinced that some people can certainly take a lot away from it. As far as I know, the research situation in this regard is also very promising. I honestly don't know exactly what it was. Maybe I deluded myself a bit with my openness. Maybe I would have drawn different conclusions in another retreat center. Maybe I just need a little more time to process everything. I really don't know. But it was certainly once again a good reminder to focus on the really important things in life. I'm fine and I think that's ultimately the most important thing!!!

By the way, I'm now in Colombia (currently in Medellin), but more on that later...

PS: If you still haven't read enough, here are some interesting links to the various treatments

Ayahuasca: https://info-peru.de/was-ist-ayahuasca-was-du-wissen-solltest-ueber-die-heilpflanze-aus-peru/

San Pedro: https://shamanica-medicina.org/index.php/de/san-pedro

Kambo: https://www.welt.de/gesundheit/article158944039/Kambo-das-Wundermittel-aus-dem-Giftfrosch.html

Rapé: https://www.schamanische-wege.at/rape-zeremonie

Sweat lodge: https://www.wainando.de/transformation-in-der-dunkelheit-ueber-wirkungen-und-ablauf-einer-schwitzhuettenzeremonie/