The Crossing: Gibraltar - Gran Canaria

It's my first night on the Atlantic in my cabin on the sailboat. I'm dreaming strangely. I'm on land with my family and the sensation of rocking in all possible directions is still there. Some people would probably still retain this sensation even after many boat trips. The doctor has little hope for me and the whole dream is filled with dizziness.

I wake up at 6:00 in the morning. It's pitch black outside. Cyril didn't wake me up. To still experience a bit of the night watch, I quickly get dressed and go up to the common room. The room in the middle of the boat with the built-in kitchen, the large table pierced by the mast with the seating area, and the front and side windows, which provide an unobstructed view of the ocean from the inside as well.

When I arrive upstairs, I cheerfully greet Julia standing there. Massa, who is lying on the bench, gestures for me to stay calm. He must have been sleeping and I didn't even notice him in the dark.

I go up to the bridge. It's cold, but bearable. I'm wearing leggings under my pants, a long undershirt, two sweaters, and a rain jacket. Massa follows me and we sit silently next to each other for a moment. The engines are humming in the background. I want to go downstairs to make myself some tea. Massa has already made a black tea that has been steeping for a long time, and I drink it because he offered it to me. It tastes bitter.

Now I need more attention to maintain my balance with the swaying of the ground underneath me. I become more aware of my stomach area, which feels a bit uncomfortable. It's difficult for me to breathe deeply and I feel increasingly weaker. At 8:00, Cyril takes over from Massa and now the engines are turned off for the first time. Massa waited until Cyril woke up, so as not to disturb him and make him worry. Cyril makes coffee and also offers me a cup. I don't decline. After the first sip, I quickly go downstairs. I vomit four times in the toilet. Afterwards, I feel better immediately. I don't say anything at first and try to slowly drink back the lost water.

I go back up to the bridge. The fresh air invigorates me. I read and mindlessly gaze out at the sea. Every now and then, I stretch or do a few push-ups. At noon, I try to eat a banana with peanut butter. Unfortunately, it doesn't stay down for half an hour and I lose all the water again the same way as before. Afterwards, I feel better again and I don't eat anything until the evening. I take another nap, and on Cyril's advice, I eat plenty of his somewhat dry pasta with chicken. I try to be uncomplicated. I am feeling much better now and I have acclimated myself to the constantly changing conditions to some extent.

At 6:00 p.m., the sun sets. The hour beforehand is particularly beautiful. I am in bed at 7:00 p.m. because from midnight onwards, together with Julia, I will be assisting Cyril during the four-hour night shift. We are moving at about 7 knots, the wind is at 27 knots, and the waves are 2.5 meters high.

I'm on time at midnight on November 28th. It's still rocking quite a bit, the wind is rushing at over 30 knots. I go outside for a moment, to the back deck, and squat down while holding onto the railing. Cyril snaps at me and asks if I'm crazy. This is not a place for doing yoga. He threatens me that he won't take me any further and that I can find someone else in Gran Canaria. I ask him if he's worried that I might fall into the water. He reluctantly agrees and says he is responsible for me. I explain to him that I'm being careful and holding on tight. Later, he apologizes for his outburst and attributes it to the rough manner of sailors. That's just how they are. He smiles. The rest of the shift goes smoothly. We all stay inside because it's too dangerous to go up top. After the shift, I sleep between 4:00 and 7:30 a.m. Then my alarm clock wakes me up because I have the desire to wash myself and want to take a quick shower. It feels good and goes smoothly despite the swaying. The waves are now a little higher, but they are slowly and steadily building, which makes everything feel a bit more rhythmic and calculated.

Fresh and lively, I am in the common room for the second shift at 8:00 a.m. Cyril orders me to close my door and asks if I have showered. He is shocked and shouts at me if I'm crazy to take a shower in such rough seas. I will pay for what I destroy. No one in their right mind would think of taking a shower. I argue that I haven't eaten breakfast yet and that I will still be joining for lunch. It's about politeness, something his mother taught him - apparently not mine. I make him "fucking crazy". I ask if he wants me to put the items back and wait until lunchtime. He declines. I should do whatever I want. Then he stomps angrily into his room. So, I decide to eat. Massa stands by, uninvolved. He also has a furrowed brow.

When I'm done after 20 minutes and just rinsing off my things, Cyril comes back upstairs. He is now really angry and yells again. He's never experienced something like this, who do I think I am and what do I believe about myself. I'm driving him crazy and this is not a fucking hotel. He threatens me. "I'm a fucking pirate and I'm gonna kick your ass off this boat. I'm the fucking captain and this is my boat and my rules!" My stomach tightens, I start to shake a little, and I try to remain calm. I socially respond as desired and try to calm him down. Massa signals me with a hand gesture not to engage with him any further. So, I let it happen until he finishes his fit of rage. I feel momentarily paralyzed. Then I take the dustpan out of the drawer under the sink and sweep the floor. Perhaps to somehow be useful and not just stand around in the room. Maybe to demonstrate that I care about the common good.

Then I go up to the bridge. Elia is sitting there. She asks me how I'm doing. I say I'm sad and angry and briefly describe what happened. I now realize how much fear I actually have. Being threatened by someone I feel somewhat dependent on, someone who makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong no matter how hard I try, throws me back into my past. It's the other person's power over me that makes me feel helpless.

I stare out at the sea. I could push everything aside and pretend that everything is fine, but I decide to allow myself to feel. I think it's a strange coincidence that I find myself in this situation where things repeat themselves for me. Cyril triggered as much fear in me as I have rarely experienced in recent years. I'm desperate to be stuck with Cyril any longer on the same boat.

But I want to remain capable of action and now take responsibility for myself as an adult. That's why I ask Elia if she can hug me. I need support. She gladly does it and I sob and cry. A real film of memories and feelings of helplessness and vulnerability unfold within me. I wish so much that I wasn't here. Elia is supportive and encourages me. Cyril really has a problem with communication.

The sadness and despair suddenly give way to a numbness when Cyril comes up with Massa to arrange something at the helm and the sail. At first, I stay seated, but then it gets crowded and I flee downstairs because I can't stand being so close. I sit on my bed and write down what I have experienced and what I am still experiencing inside.

I can really observe how I push away the fear and sadness when I'm in contact with Cyril. How difficult it is for me to show it. In this moment, I don't believe there would be room for my feelings and that he could show understanding. I'm afraid he might see it as an accusation and completely lose control and do something he would regret too. In this state of fear, I consider many things possible. I think about paying for the lifeboat and rowing away on my own.

Then I am asked by Elia if I'm coming to eat as well. I go because I don't want to give any more reason for excitement. I feel like a beaten dog that now has to return to its master. I feel violated in my dignity. Helpless and at the mercy of others. Functioning, so as not to further endanger myself.

After dinner, Cyril gives a speech to the three of us. He repeats that he is the captain and that there are rules. He wants to clarify things, promote social interaction (hence the shared lunch), and that we all participate. He says it again because I, asshole, didn't comply. I eat for two people and take advantage of him. He has already been very nice by letting us ride along for €10 a day. - We should feel guilty and grateful at the same time that we have been so lucky. - Julia says she doesn't agree with everything. I feel somewhat protected, but I still swallow a lot.

Then I finally have a chance to clarify the situation.

Cyril was the only one who didn't know that I made an extra purchase, which I eat from when I'm eating alone. He thought that I was eating an extraordinary amount of the communal food. He becomes a little gentler. I am understanding, almost submissive, in order to restore peace. I am relieved for now. The tension is alleviated with little talk. But at the same time, I long for our arrival on land and my freedom.

In the afternoon, I am on the bridge again a lot. In the evening, Cyril takes out salami, cheese, and bread. I add some cucumber, celery, and hummus. He wants to open a bottle of wine and it feels almost festive. The transition is almost too quick for me and the shock is still present somewhere. But for now, I try to go with the flow because the perceived danger is over and I don't want to upheave anything.

Then we all watch this brutal series together. It's not my favorite way to cultivate a sense of community, but somehow it still works.

Later, I'm supposed to take the shift between 10:00 p.m. and 12:00 a.m. Shortly before it starts, Cyril knocks on my door and says he will take over the night. The wind has been shifting all the time and he needs to be there to react quickly. Now he seems almost tame.

I sleep restlessly. The waves regularly crash against the wall of my cabin. Today, on November 30th, I wake up at 7:00 a.m. Massa is the only one awake besides me. Everything seems much more relaxed than yesterday.

And on the horizon, land finally comes into view! Isla de Alegranza, La Graciosa, and the large Lanzarote appear on the slowly brightening, hazy horizon. There are still 130 nautical miles to go, about 20 hours until we reach Gran Canaria, but it is relieving to know that it will soon be over.

With Cyril, it's relaxed now, almost friendly. We go over the "misunderstanding" again. He is just very passionate and that's why he speaks directly. I understand that it's not easy for him to convey his needs and desires in a way that I would not call authoritarian and does not trigger a feeling of humiliation in others. He wishes that next time, before we go on the boat after shopping, I show him everything I bought and make it available to everyone to share. Although this next time won't be with Cyril, I am now aware that this can be perceived as fraud by others. I also consider that the amount of food I allow myself to have can be seen as excessive by others. I will not always be able to prevent that.

We then talk more about Vipassana, which he has discovered for himself in addition to his consuming pirate life a few years ago and has been practicing intensively. He goes all-in on everything. That's why the transfer of his inner peace during the several days of meditation courses to the rest of his life, almost unnoticed by me, has not yet really materialized. His goal is to be able to buy his own boat and then combine the path of mindfulness with South Seas life.

Everyone has their own pace and their own path, and I'm happy for him that he has discovered this facet of existence.

Then Cyril complains to me about the girls, who should also cook sometimes. Elia was actually responsible for lunch today, but Cyril made a salad in between with the leftover potatoes from the lecture. Once again, he did something. I tell him that he is really quick to take action and take responsibility for things that can be done. The girls hardly have a chance to beat him to it. He seems to acknowledge that and appears pensive. And here again, I recognize a pattern.

In the vicinity of the islands, the sea is much calmer again, and we leisurely sail southwest. We will be driving so slowly that we will arrive in Las Palmas tomorrow morning and can go straight to the marina.

I sit in the sun all day and write and read. It's warmer now than yesterday, and I'm sitting in shorts and a T-shirt on the bridge.

These days have been very intense for me. I'm glad that after the first day, I didn't have any more problems with seasickness. That allows me to continue my journey towards America by boat. Seeing only water to the horizon is soothing and calming for me. Sunrises and sunsets are simply my favorite moments of the day.

However, I now want to take more time to assess whether my future crew really fits well. It should be an enriching journey for me, not just something bearable.

I plan to take a few days to arrive in Gran Canaria and do things that make me feel good. Lie by the sea, swim, read, hang and do gymnastics on the rings. I will keep my eyes open, but approach the next stage with more calmness.

Then I go to sleep and now I have a network connection to upload these lines. I'm excited to have solid ground under my feet in a few hours!