More diary entry than travel report..

Today it will be a bit more personal and not so idyllic, but I want to be honest and this side should not be hidden from you. First of all, if you're not into these psychological, pseudo-profound texts, skip this chapter and wait for the next 'travel report'.

I warned you ;D.

Why am I doing this here?!? I've asked myself that question several times in Chile. I could be comfortably sitting on the couch with my family watching some completely exaggerated American crime thriller. Instead, I'm sitting alone in my apartment again and can't get the fire going. (It's not my fault if we only get delivered wet wood or huge logs.) The answer: I want to get closer to myself, learn what makes me who I am. Because I believe that until now, I don't really know that. And that's perfectly okay, I'm 20 years old and have my whole life ahead of me.

And yet, I'm simply curious to find out why I draw energy from certain things and why other things simply annoy me. And you can do that best when you gain some distance. From everything familiar, as well as habits, and have to get used to things that need getting used to.

Yesterday, I had a strong feeling of: I want to get away from here. And by that, I don't mean the place itself, but simply back to familiarity. An exchange like this sounds easy, maybe even for you, the way I'm reporting it here. But between you and me: I find it difficult. Due to language barriers, weather, or the peculiarities of the people here, my hands are sometimes tied and I feel small and dependent. A lot of talking, saying nothing, what was going on? I had planned to go on a trip with my roommate, but heavy rain ruined it all. It was so bad that I couldn't even go into town to have a hot chocolate. I know it sounds dramatic, but that's exactly what I wanted to do in that moment but couldn't. My roommate had a headache and spent the day in bed, so I spent the whole day in the apartment and didn't know what to do with myself. But why is it difficult for me to just occupy myself with myself? Why can't I genuinely enjoy watching a movie alone or cooking something to eat? Why can't I stand staring at the same four walls all day?

I think I'm a person who is not easily tired. I need new impressions or conversations to recharge my batteries. I have to be outside or with people (I can also sit alone in a café and observe the hustle and bustle around me). I love to challenge myself (sometimes even overdoing it) in things like sports, learning, or my general way of life. I really like having a 'well-planned' day with a little time for spontaneous ideas. I like to follow rules and occasionally break them on certain days. I can be emotional and impulsive, but sometimes also controlled and calculative waiting.

And above all, I'm happy when I can make other people around me happy. I think that's also why I'm writing this post. I hope to be able to bring a little smile to your face or thoughts like, interesting, I didn't know that. Even though I can't see all that (because it's not about getting some kind of praise in return), I enjoy doing it. It not only helps me move forward, but also the other person, and that feeling is indescribable. ...But unfortunately, it's also dangerous. Saying yes to everything, not being able to reject anything, and overloading myself. Because yes, I can do that quite well too. Doing things to please others, putting myself in the background. Not listening to my body because then I don't meet some ideal that people around me have of me and maybe even expect from me. Or what I have of myself and also expect accordingly.

Maybe Chile will teach me to find the balance in all of this. Between what's good for me and what I can and want to do for others. Maybe it won't. But at least it shows me that there is another way.

Frieda (9.09)