Bei sich sein

Wow, I've been in New Zealand for almost a month now and the days are flying by without me really participating. In the first two weeks, I let myself drift on the North Island and did what tourists do here. Auckland, check, Rotorua, Taupo, Tongariro crossing, check, Wellington check... a new hostel every few days, organizing new transportation, meeting new people. The list of magical places and things to do here is endless. And it was probably foreseeable that you can't float on a travel high all the time, so in the last few weeks, I noticed that I'm not really appreciating my time here. I felt stressed about moving on every few days, having a huge list of things to see, because after all, you're not a guest at the end of the world every day. And I have to admit that I just couldn't enjoy it anymore. Maybe a kind of travel exhaustion. Poor me, I know. I also didn't feel inspired anymore, not amazed, not relaxed. Simply not at peace. And then my dear Fanny, with whom I spent some time in Hawaii, sent me a message saying that she also felt more connected to herself and knew herself on Hawaii and everything was inspiring and emotional and that this feeling has been lost a bit since she's no longer there. And she really spoke to me, I don't feel completely myself.

And I have to think about what this self-awareness really means. I mean, when you meditate or do yoga, you do nothing else but feel into yourself, and it seems that more and more people are striving for that. In Hawaii, I had the feeling that I could absorb everything, all the energy that nature and people have to offer, it all somehow flowed to me. In Thailand, there were at least a few moments like that. And here I had the feeling that I was trying the same thing, but it was an active effort and therefore somehow forced. I also don't really feel connected to nature. And everything I see and do somehow serves the purpose of just "having seen" it.

I felt somehow under pressure to enjoy everything, the wonderful nature, to take it all in, but it just didn't work. So what to do? I simply came to the realization that it's not about seeing and checking off as much as possible in the short time, but about experiencing as much as possible. And that's why fate decided that I can work as a work-trader at the absolute best hostel in Picton. So I make beds, clean toilets, bathrooms, and windows, vacuum, sweep and wash and greet our guests at the reception, show them around and ensure a pleasant stay. I love it. Honest, good work. And I feel comfortable and unstressed. There's not much to do in Picton, and the weather is also moderate, it's winter here after all. And we play table tennis and billiards every day, relax in the hot tub, and drink too much wine and beer. It's not comparable to the time when I was really in touch with myself, it feels more like satisfying some needs. But that's fine, it's really a great time here at the hostel. And it's also interesting to observe what happens to you over time.

But for the next few days, I'll be traveling again and I'll just try not to have any expectations and see what happens. And usually, when you don't expect anything, that's when the magic happens.