Missing

Theme 2:

Missing. Well, directly confusion strikes when I want to approach this topic. I struggle through the inner thicket to find what is hidden in me as well.

It's hidden because it seems uncomfortable, because it's unwanted (by me) and it's difficult to imagine showing itself.

What I find in some states are pain, fear, anger, and branching.

Despair: I have known her well for many years. She always had her peak times when it came to "men". She understands herself excellently with heartache. Her therapist is Camus, who understands her depth and tenderness. Despair is far from contentment, she finds peace in destruction and pain. She is young, her strong desire for the question "why?", the stubbornness in rejecting every answer. Despair is the struggle against pain, the rebellion, the anticipation of helplessness, the defeat in battle. Despair usually arises in moments when I feel weak. She can usually be appeased by sleep. It is associated with loss of appetite and a "tunnel vision". She is an extraordinary artist, ready for risks and intuition, she appears powerful and attractive, she can change or destroy a lot powerfully.

What she silently screams with full pain: Nothing in the world is permanent. She knows that, despair. She still clings, but is always followed by acceptance, because despair is itself very ephemeral.

Then there is pain. It is quiet, even deeper than despair. Pain is not yet welcome by me, I have great mistrust of it. It is quiet and often sneaks in unnoticed. Pain facilitates connection with the ground. It forces you to your knees, makes you humble. I notice how much I confuse pain with despair. But pain does not demand. It confirms. Sometimes it appears as a messenger of love. And as a witness to being human. It is relentless and sometimes almost impossible to drown out even through time. One solution for it appears to me, is to connect with my feminine power. With the transience in my cycle, with the depth of pain, opening up to the other, absorbing the world and then letting go, gathering, holding and giving comfort. It is a cycle of life that cannot exist without pain, but it is more than pain, it is life, transformation, and fertility.

Then there are fear and anger. I have only recently become acquainted with both and now I am trying to find a suitable place for them in my inner space. Anger appears to me as a reaction, as something twisted. It is not me, but the fight for me. Anger arises from pain and often obscures fear. Anger appears so powerful and gives feelings like right and order. But if you ask about its origin, we usually end up elsewhere: with pain and fear of pain. So I will not defend this mask of anger. I will continue to live peacefully without it. It creates suffering instead of love. Only as a watchdog may it remain. On a leash with a keen nose and good ears, but I am her mistress.

Finally, the strange, exhausting, and unconstructive: fear. It is associated with impatience in me, and it is also hard to bear. It is uncontrollable, and this is also its greatest enemy and nurturer: the uncontrollability of the world. Even of a person, even of a moment, or of one's own body. All of this eludes our control. Will alone is not enough, trust is required here. World, what do you have in store for me? How can I not believe in something greater than myself when I don't have control over my life? Dear fear, I want to meet you with mindfulness, with precision. Because life is happening! Right now! And it is more than fear. There are sensations everywhere in my body, my whole head is full of thoughts, my body full of experiences, my heart full of vitality, full of love.

I say yes to life as it is right now. I say yes to missing. Yes, I love, my heart is heavy, my beloved is gone.

But I stay. I stay at home with myself.