The beginning

I'm on my way to work again. It's really far to drive. And also strange there, not at all like Leipzig, which I actually chose to live.

I slept well today, the morning runs smoothly, time for news and my phone on the train. There's Felix's blog, which I read with anticipation. It gives me shivers. What he's going through emotionally! It sounds like a lot of suffering in addition to the excitement, I don't wish that upon him. Compared to yesterday, when I criticized him accusingly and despairingly, today there is softness, interest, and even some calmness.

And then it is born, the idea: I'll do the same, a blog like that. "The one who stayed at home", also a kind of journey.

The chronology is difficult here, there is no beginning and no end. Or maybe there is: the farewell from Felix, the beginning of my life here alone is the beginning, an end is not yet determined. But some things are getting mixed up: some things will stay the same for me and others will change. What, I don't know yet.

Topic 1: Workplace. I have been working in the children's home for 8 months and in the last few months it has often been unclear whether I want to stay there. I had decided to leave, with the switch to outpatient work and my trip to Colombia starting on 14.2 to quit there. But I don't want to resign and surprise myself. It's such a challenge in this job, a lot of helplessness, poor communication, little teamwork, independence, a field that I'm not directly trained for. But the more I am there, the more I learn! I learn to fit in, to understand the educators, to build more differentiated relationships with the young people, the processes simplify, I trust myself more, sometimes conversations go very well and I am increasingly settling in there. A long-term, stable relationship is developing! It's as if I'm past "the first infatuation" and "the first argument". Some calmness is returning here. Do I want this, am I ready for such a permanent commitment? I notice more and more the fears that being there also brings me. I have closed these children in my heart and will have to let them go one day. I wish them all the best, but I have to repeatedly witness how they suffer and how imperfect I am as well. I make mistakes and unintentionally cause pain to others. I am very responsible for many things, many other things I cannot change and have to stay out of. Paradoxically, I can sometimes imagine having a child, but how difficult it still is to do a job for more than 9 months. Well, after extensive therapeutic counseling it is (almost) certain that I will "commit". I'm staying.

Now I just have to wait for the advice of my sisters, the three wise women.