..Change of plans..

I haven't had the motivation to write anything in this blog for a while now.. I think I approached it the wrong way.. I used it more to show someone something rather than to follow something that feels right to me.. I constantly felt the pressure to write something that others can follow and that is very stressful for me.. it's like a presentation of my journey by me.. but I don't want to enrich myself here.. I do that more than enough on FB and Instagram.. this is mainly just a platform for me to receive attention and to feel 'special'.. but I don't want that here.. not really.. in this blog, I want to avoid it as best as I can.. I want to be 'real'.. I want to open up and share something really meaningful.. not just to superficially feel better.. not just to feel better because someone else rates me highly.. I want to learn to rate myself well even if it doesn't match the ideal image/doesn't match 'my' ideal image.. and I want to write down this 'development', this 'step' here.. but why?! I'm not really sure yet.. I generally have a strong desire to write.. to organize my thoughts and take a look at my situation.. on myself.. I often find it hard to open up in direct contact with people.. (even if it doesn't seem like it often.. it really is like that!!) I have certain belief patterns that make it very difficult for me.. but it feels good.. it feels 'real'.. to be honest.. to stand by my thoughts and feelings and to share them with someone else just as they are.. those are the 'right/important' connections for me.. that was also the initial thought why I created this blog but with the idea of who will read it, it became just a representation again.. a representation of how I would like to be and how I would like to be seen.. but that's not right.. that's not me.. it feels meaningless to me.. to post pictures of myself in which I always look pretty.. landscape pictures that look even more special because of the Instagram filters.. but it's also deeply rooted in me! The importance of the image that someone else has of me.. I identify with it.. and I know that's not 'good' but it happens automatically.. in direct contact with my environment and also on social media.. and that's exactly what I want to recognize.. and that's exactly the 'reason' why I took this journey.. to take a closer look at myself.. at my life.. at my fears.. blockages.. emotions.. to recognize myself as I am.. and maybe not take it all so seriously..

..to emphasize this.. here's a photo of me without any filters.. the first and only taken photo.. without positioning my phone in a certain way to look better.. without fixing my hair beforehand and thinking about what I'm wearing (..ooops I'm more superficial than I thought..) the expression on my face is exactly what I'm feeling right now without wanting to pretend a specific emotion.. that's just me right now..