A leisurely hike to the Wertacher Hörnle

I sleep in, after all it's Saturday, and treat myself to breakfast at Knoll's bakery down in the village.

A croissant, coffee, an egg, and the daily newspaper allow me to plan my day with ease.

Jana messaged me to say we're going to Lindau on Lake Constance around 9:15 a.m. But since I slept until 10:00 a.m.... no, and besides, I really don't feel like going into a city. And anyway, I've already been to Lindau.

Today I want to go on a proper, long hike after warming up with a walk to Ellegghöhe.

My destination, the Wertacher Hörnle, lies at 1,695 m above sea level, is one of the most beautiful scenic hikes in the Allgäu region, and combines a cozy stop for refreshments with a summit offering panoramic views.

I only read "pleasure hike" and "cozy," and I'm immediately captivated. I completely overlook the fact that it's 1,695 meters above sea level.

First, I took the bus towards Unterjoch. I positioned myself right behind the driver, intending to bombard him with questions about everything I wanted to know. Unfortunately, as a self-proclaimed "linguistic genius," I didn't understand a single word of this Bavarian dialect—or was it Bavarian with an Allgäu accent? So I got off just as clueless as when I got on, but I did call after him in my best Bavarian: "Wenn i`n letztes Bus ne dawisch, ko da mi glei ois vermisstmelden."

The hike continues on foot 🦶 to the Buchler Alp. At 1,290 meters, there's a mere 400 meters of elevation gain to conquer. The walking is good, but it's a steady climb. I can already feel a slight burning sensation in my legs. The signpost warns me that I'll be experiencing this for another hour. I'm alone on my way and feel like crawling on all fours when I hear a creaking gate and shortly after, I encounter another hiker. The creaking gate separates the fenced pasture from the hiking trails, but allows hikers to continue their journey. I quickly straighten my chest and shoulders and continue walking, greeting the other hikers and, most importantly, maintaining my upright posture.

After just three-quarters of an hour, I reach the longed-for alpine pasture. Just before entering, I take a five-minute breather. (I don't want anyone saying later, "Old people always overestimate themselves.")

The Alp offers everything the heart 💖, especially the stomach, desires.

From the "hot grandpa" (beer liqueur with a cream topping) to the "bitch killer" (blackcurrant liqueur - a numbing agent for all annoying illnesses, non-prescription but honey-sweet and tongue-paralyzing), to the "donkey driver" (fruit brandy - makes stubborn donkeys docile and tired ones lively again, stroking increases the effect)

I'll take a whole bottle of that with me, just in case; who knows what the future might hold for men.

But for me, it's time for a proper shandy and a boring cheesecake. But with this view, it's simply heavenly.

I'll allow myself half an hour to relax. My schedule is quite tight after all. I quickly snap a photo from the bathroom window (a tip from the guests) and then I'm off again.

The ascent from Buchler Alp to Wertacher Hörnle involves another 400 meters of elevation gain, from 1,290 m to 1,695 m. The estimated hiking time is 1 hour 45 minutes. The distance is 3 km. Doesn't sound like much, does it?

The very first climb is already draining the energy I thought I'd gathered with cheesecake and shandy. I therefore avoid asking oncoming hikers how much time they have left to reach the summit. The answer might demotivate me.

The climb, I reckon it's a 70% gradient, just keeps going. At times I'm even walking backwards to spread the burning sensation down the backs of my legs. Hiking poles would be really helpful right now. Nevertheless, I'm trying to focus on the beauty of this hike and imagine myself like Heidi, zipping across the Alps in just her underwear and a little shirt.

After 1 hour and 10 minutes, I reach the Wertacher Hörnle. The last path is quite challenging. Narrow and very steep, I have to give way to an older woman. Her attire suggests professionalism, yet she's only wearing a bikini. Since she's tanned, I suspect this is her everyday outfit.

I've reached my destination and am enjoying the view. A 360-degree panoramic view all to myself. Up here, you can be sure you'll have complete privacy.

Soon after, I begin my descent, but I don't want to take the same route and spontaneously choose a completely different direction based on my gut feeling.

My muscles start to tremble slightly on the descent, a clear sign of malnutrition. I can already see the Schnitzler Alp. But it takes a while. A full half hour before I reach it, but it's worth it.

The girl, I'd guess about 10 years old, is a good salesperson, since she sells me a whole sandwich instead of a measly slice of bread. And my body seems to need it. I devour two slices of bread with lard, cream cheese, ham, cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, and onions. And another shandy. Why am I even lugging around two bottles of water?

The calves are driven into the nearby barn, and for me it's time to head back.

I decided not to go all the way to Unterjoch and then take the bus back; no, I wanted to hike directly to Wertach.

Two hours are estimated.

It's through the forest, pure joy... all downhill. I'm enjoying the nature around me and especially the silence. For over two hours, I don't encounter a single hiker. Only cows, but then, just before my destination, a problem arises. I have to pass through one of those creaky gates again and the pasture in between. This time, however, there aren't any cows, but two oxen, complete with horns.

A large sign warns and advises people to keep their distance.

Funny… how am I supposed to manage that? I wait and study the oxen. They actually look quite comfortable and calm, I think, and venture to continue my hike past them. I'm within 10 meters when one of the oxen stands up. Impressive size, I think, and how fast can oxen run? I move away again, keeping my eyes on the two of them.

Shortly afterwards, the other ox also gets up and together they move away towards the other herd, a good distance from the "you can pass" path.

Not that I start sprinting… I would describe it as a quick walk as I cross the pasture.