Forever and finally

I want it to stay like this forever. I don't think I've been this happy in 5 years. Life here feels somehow easy. Like a giant cloud of cinnamon rolls. Living here feels so carefree. I have butterflies in my stomach when I think about it. I have to smile. Like I was in love. And I suffer from acute fear of loss.

Everything isn't always great, but here something in me is released that wasn't free before. The closer the day comes, the more I try to ignore the fact that this life isn't forever. And the day is still far, far away. So I collect all my moments in diaries or blogs and create a little forever out of this sad finiteness. And maybe it's not forever. It must end, but it can also begin again. If I may quote myself briefly: my life is my wall. It will never not be cringe to read my own blog or journal entries. Yes, I could live here. I even want to live here. Isn't that too good to be true? What is the catch? The catch is you. It's moments like this morning. I was listening to a voice message from my brother and suddenly I started crying because I wanted to see him so much. I was surprised myself by this reaction. How I would like to have 10 minutes with my sister, my mom, my best friends. 5 minutes with you. Sometimes these moments of maximum longing come over me, but on the whole they are not enough not to love this life. It's far too nice when the sun hits my arm when I win the game with my university soccer team that sends us to the finals, when I'm out with my friends at night when all we really wanted to do was go to the cinema and we end up at some party or drinking 5 beers per person on the street. I was really a bit afraid that social connection wouldn't be that easy in a country where you didn't grow up. If you don't speak the language 100% perfectly. And then suddenly such wonderful, lovely people smuggled themselves into my life and if I can do that, then I can live here. I'll just let it come to me very slowly and leisurely and if I'm drawn here again, then I'll be happy. Until then, I'll live here in my little forever and pretend that forever doesn't have to end. And in the back of your mind is always you. And in 10 months they will be the catch.