Thailand Chapter 3 - The Green Hell

'Go on a jungle tour,' they said.
'It'll be fun,' they said.
But nobody told us that it would be the most disastrous day of our trip so far.

It was Tuesday, December 17, 2019.
(I know that for sure, because the day is marked black on the calendar)
And the morning couldn't have started any better.
We knew we had to get up very early.
And maybe, because we were really looking forward to what was to come, we woke up before the alarm went off.
Well, maybe it was our house spider that lives above our bed in the attic that woke us up.
Legend has it that previous guests mistakenly sprayed her with glitter spray instead of insect repellent.

From that day on, she called herself Cinnamon, performs in local Lady-Boy shows, and turns night into day.

You can imagine how loud it can get when a spider lady with 8 legs staggers across the wooden floor in high heels.

Well, maybe it was a mouse that was tearing apart the attic up there, who knows for sure.
Anyway, it was very noisy and it woke us up.

After we rubbed our sleepy eyes in surprise and tiredness, we quickly freshened up and half an hour later we were already on the scooter, enjoying the tranquility on the island.
Most of it was still asleep.
It was really nice.
A few monkeys crossed our path.
Every now and then a scooter passed by.
Anyway, we had to go to the 'lonely beach' for what we had planned.
By the way, it's anything but lonely and that's why I could remember the name so well back then.
We parked our vehicle and got ourselves a breakfast shake.
That's the best part of the day.
A huge stall full of exotic fruits.
Many varieties that I have never seen or heard of before...
You can choose from dozens of different types of fruit.
And in less than 2 minutes you have the most delicious shake you can imagine.
Made fresh just for you.
And it's really affordable, just under 1.60 euros.
The euro used to be stronger and the exchange rate is not so good at the moment, but compared to German prices, it's still very cheap.

In a good mood and satisfied with the liquid breakfast in our hands, we walked through the morning sun to the information booth where we were supposed to be picked up in the next 15 minutes.
We were looking forward to what was to come and meanwhile we talked about all kinds of animals.
Did you know that certain bat species menstruate similar to humans?
Oh, and the elephant shrew as well.
Crazy.

Do you know what an elephant shrew is?

No??

Then go to Google.

I'll quiz you later!

A short time later, the jeep arrived.
The driver was also our tour guide.

He introduced himself as 'Tan'.

So far so good.

In the car, there were already 2 younger guys.
Also Germans.
But we only found out much later.
Then another one got in.
Very quiet. Also German. Due to his lack of words (does that word even exist)!?), we evaluated this only based on his jute bag with a representation of some German city.
In the end, a middle-aged Dutch couple and a solo older gentleman joined us as well.
So there were eight of us heading to the middle of the island towards the jungle.
Actually, it's nonsense to say that.
No matter where you are on the island, you're essentially in the middle.
Koh Chang is 80% jungle.
And on that Tuesday, we easily saw 100% of that jungle.......

This is roughly how we imagined and booked it:
An amazing experience in the rainforest.
Lasting 4-5 hours.
Of course, more than just a walk in the woods, but basically we were looking forward to a very interesting expedition through the densely wooded Thai forest.
We were eager to see the flora and fauna.
The tour brochure showed spiders.... monitor lizards... scorpions... giant centipedes & snakes....
Thailand is home to the spitting cobra, among others. It's pretty venomous.

And even though I didn't necessarily want to get too close to her, we still imagined how cool everything would be...

Well, things turned out differently.

We were on the road for 8 hours in the end.
E-I-G-H-T.
I had pain in places I didn't even know existed.
I even had muscle soreness when blinking the next day.

And all because of a walk in the woods??
Hold my larch oil!
-Let me explain:

At one of the elephant prisons (😔)

our journey with the jeep came to an end.
We got out and without wasting much time, Mr. Tan handed out water and a lunch package consisting of 2 mini bananas, a few cheap (but very tasty) cookies, and a plastic-wrapped, undefinable homogeneous mass that vaguely resembled an Asian rice dish.

The guide practically forced the water on us.
We were asked to store more and more bottles. (Which ultimately saved our asses)
But everything was done at such a pace that I should have realized right there and then how the day would unfold...

Then we were equipped with a wooden walking stick,... here too, Tan made it clear that we would need it..
Still naive and enthusiastic about the tour, we started walking at a relatively quick pace towards the entrance of the 'forest'.
An eagle circled above us.
That was a good start at least.

I don't know exactly when I realized that it would be a very uncomfortable day.
We only walked straight for about 5 minutes.
The density of plants increased.
And so did the pace.
Then it started going uphill.
....
And just a while ago, we were voluntarily at the back to gossip and occasionally kiss under a large fern.....
(That's how we imagined it)....but physically, I couldn't keep up at all..... It was such a steep ascent right from the start.... Along extremely winding paths.... Up and down the jungle-covered mountains of the island.... Although 'up and down' still sounds very humane.... For us it was more like:
Up Up Up Up Up Up Up Up down down Up Up straight Up Up down Up.....

The first half hour was already terrible because you must not forget:
I've been a couch potato at my gym for a year, it was easily 41 degrees, humidity 100%, and maybe we didn't have the appropriate footwear to walk on the unpaved forest floor.
Well, maybe not.

The tour was breathtaking - in the truest sense of the word!
(Where is that fucking oxygen tent!?)
I was breathing heavily, and by now I was breathing so loudly that even the cicadas were startled and abruptly interrupted their courtship behavior.
By the way:
Have you ever witnessed the "singing" of these insects??
Aiaiai.
It's so burdensome.
Such a bright and at the same time screeching sound at such a high frequency.
So if the male insects want a female, they have to somehow make themselves heard. Unfortunately, this comes at the expense of our ears.
If I didn't already have tinnitus, I would have had it since Tuesday....

_________________________________

We took our first water break half an hour later.
Tan spoke as fast as he walked.
And he rambled on about being the second highest point on Koh Chang and that half an hour is always just half an hour..(uhm... What!?) .. And that it would get better in 10 minutes....
The feeling grew more and more that this was not the tour we had paid for....
Yes, it did get better after 10 minutes.... The 10 minutes were more like 20....and it got worse for exactly 5 minutes...

So that was the short break before everything became even more strenuous...

The sweat was running down my body.
I don't think I've ever sweated so much.
The group ahead of us was rushing through the green undergrowth.
I couldn't understand all day why it had to go so fast.
As if everyone wanted to prove something...
Juli and I quickly realized that apart from the older gentleman, who was also wearing only sneakers, everyone else knew what they had gotten themselves into or had already done it before.
Because they all had trekking shoes on.
Not nice (honestly, they were terribly ugly), but certainly effective.
I was completely exhausted.
After the first 40 minutes, I cursed everything and everyone.
-The lady who sold us the tour with words like 'easy easy'...'not difficult'...'nice'... I cursed all the people walking in front of me... I cursed the stupid unsympathetic guide... I cursed the jungle... and even Juli... but most of all myself... honestly.. I couldn't handle it most of the time.
It was so physically demanding.
This ascent over roots & rocks just didn't seem to end.
If I dared to lift my head (which I usually avoided because I was afraid to take a wrong step and slide down a steep slope), all I saw was the rest of the group steadily climbing UP.
Up. Always up.
There was never a downhill. (I will also curse that later)

And then there were all the vines, branches, palm leaves that whipped against our faces.
At some point, there was a stabbing pain.
I got caught on a long plant thing with thorns and barbs, and this plant didn't want to let go of my (new) shirt.
(get me out of here!)

This crazy pace.
Still no proper break.
Still no sight of any animals or anything interesting that Tan told us...
On the contrary.
We hardly saw or heard anything from him the entire tour.
Oh no, that's not entirely true... only once... He deigned to come back and grumble:
'Come! Come! Here'
Juli and I responded with an unspoken and time-synchronized 'SHUT UP'.
Yes, there were those short moments when we had to laugh.
But they were rare.
And they were completely absent in the last 4 hours.

You have to imagine, anything could have happened to us.
We were in the fucking jungle.
And the 'paths' were so difficult to walk on that it's a miracle that none of us got seriously hurt.
However, one of the Dutch guys in the group had already suffered a nasty bleeding wound early on.
No wonder.

In the end, we walked for 18 (!) kilometers and climbed 500 (!!!) meters.

This damn trekking tour was definitely not for beginners like me.

We had to climb over trees.
Crawl under tree trunks.
Sometimes we narrowly missed a really nasty pain because most of the time, almost the entire time, we had to support ourselves with our hands while walking, whether uphill or downhill, in order not to fall.
So we naturally held onto trees.
The problem was that many of them were covered with fine thorns.
And the guide never once looked back and maybe kindly warned us.
It was only thanks to Juli's good eyes and the nice guy in front of us that we didn't touch them and accidentally get our hands pierced.
Every time Tan said it would get better soon, the difficulty level actually increased... by now, I was trudging along far behind the rest of the group, panting heavily.

From time to time, we couldn't see or hear anyone.

As if we were completely lost.

I couldn't go on.
I didn't want to continue.
Why does one plow through the rainforest like a berserker at lunchtime??
What's the point?

We didn't have time to take pictures.
We didn't have peace to look around and discover beautiful things.
Everyone in the group marched after Tan in a straight line, like remote-controlled robots.
As if climbing a ladder.
The ladder rungs consisted of roots and stones.
And it never seemed to end.

Do you remember the quiet German guy with the jute bag?

The really curious thing about him was that he didn't sweat a single drop the whole time.
He looked as if he hadn't taken a single step all day.

On the other hand, I was disheveled, dark red, sweaty, scratched on my arms, with a holey shirt, and so angry at the universe like never before, I think.
I was completely destroyed.

At some point, we only walked downhill.. And the first 60 seconds felt damn good.. Finally, I could breathe.
Noooo... that would have been too good... it went downhill so steeply that at times I wondered what was actually worse.
Uphill or downhill.
As I'm writing this and recalling all the memories of the previous day that I successfully suppressed yesterday, it all seems so distant.
And you probably just have a weary smile for our experience.
But hey, you weren't there. :D

I was pushed to my limits and beyond.
... And if someone comes up with some stupid motivational guru phrases like:
'NO PAIN NO GAIN'
Or
'Don't stop when it hurts, stop when you're done'
I'll tell them: SHUT UP! 😌

Really. I couldn't find anything positive about it.
I got frustrated at times and felt like lying down on the ground, kicking my legs, and screaming loudly.
It just wasn't what we had booked.
I'm realistic.
I know myself and my body.
I knew that I couldn't handle it.
And from the beginning, I would have laughed rather than pay money to be tortured.
Thoughts like 'Does my travel health insurance also include a helicopter rescue from the jungle' accompanied me.
I hardly spoke to Juli anymore... and when I did, it was just whining.
I didn't recognize myself.
That was the worst part.
I was completely trapped inside myself..... and in the forest...
But giving up was really not an option.
Somehow, we had to get out of that green hell.
Finally, a glimmer of hope.
A stop.
He said something about 'first mountain' and that we could wait here while he and the others who were interested took a look at some viewpoint.
I just thought 'fuck. First? Then logically there must also be a second mountain'
(nooooo.)
'We wait here'
Only the nearly 64-year-old man stayed with us.
So obviously, my biological age is clear now.

We had 40 calm minutes before they came back and continued at the same pace that we were already familiar with.
What is wrong with them!?

On to the waterfall.
That was supposed to be the highlight.
And after crossing slippery rocks and a few bush detours, we finally made it.
A waterfall like I've never seen before.
Hundreds of liters of water per second rushed down the slope with a loud roar.
Below, it collected in a deep and spectacularly clear natural pool that stretched out in front of us in a beautiful blue color.
Yes, that was more than worth all the hardships.
The negative feelings and dumb thoughts were forgotten.
We put on our swimming suits, happily jumped into the cool water, and the pain of the last few hours disappeared.

HA HA ..!

THIS here is the waterfall.

And we couldn't even swim because we forgot everything in the bungalow.

Could it get any worse?
Yes it could.

Because a short time later, the Dutch woman dared to ask how much longer it would take to get to the car.

A bored '2 hours' came from the front.
(T-W-O)
Did I hear that correctly?
A look on her face.
I did.
Every fiber in me collapsed.
That's when I knew for sure that I would cause the lady a lot of pain at the tour booth later.

Because according to our calculation (hope), the kamikaze hike should have ended more than half an hour ago.
Because we had already been walking for 5.5 hours and had already exceeded the planned duration.
The brochure clearly stated '4-5 hours duration'.
A mixture of resignation and helplessness overwhelmed me.
From then on, I did everything automatically.
Every step.
When the 2 hours were finally over and we saw the first signs of civilization, we could hardly believe our luck.
Back in the jeep, we didn't speak to anyone.

Not a single word.
And when we arrived where we had been picked up in the morning, we practically fled.
Out of the jeep.
Far away from Tan and his trekking friends.

Everything hurt, we had (until today) real problems walking, and we would have welcomed a walker in that moment.

But there really was one good thing about the day.

Namely, that it was finally over!

Amen.