Balinese Nuptialis

Okay - I have no idea where to start. The past few days have been so full of impressions! Yesterday, I was invited to an Indonesian wedding, or rather a Balinese wedding, and I don't know how to write down all these impressions.

But let's start from the beginning.

After driving through Bali with my Balinese taxi driver on Thursday, towards Sideman, we spent the day at a small stream.

There, you could go swimming. It was very quiet, not a single other tourist there. We walked downstream through the river, and when we returned to our starting point, Kadek's friends were already waiting there with food and water. And what can I say - there was chicken, my favorite dish 😅 but I didn't want to be rude, so I tried a few bites - I couldn't eat more because it was so spicy.. The locals burst out laughing.

As it got later, the surrounding villagers came and showered or washed themselves in the river. Taking a bath is expensive and not everyone can afford it at home, so they use the river to wash themselves. 

That's when I realized that I am getting to know Bali in a completely different way than other tourists.

I am super grateful for the care I receive and that Kadek takes the time, he is always very proud to show me his country, cuisine, and traditions.

It was a very beautiful day, in the evening we drove home and stopped at a friend of Kadek's (I can't tell you how incredibly interconnected the Balinese people are all over the island 😅) to get some food.

For me, there was Mie Goreng (fried noodles) and this time 'tidak pedas' - not spicy! Important words for me.

Before reaching my homestay, I sat down on the floor, despite having chairs and a table, because traditionally people eat at home on the floor.

No cutlery, only the right hand - the left hand is considered unclean!

He told me that his brother is getting married tomorrow and I am welcome to come in the evening! Exciting, a wedding, of course, I said yes! 

On Friday morning, Kadek picked me up again and I left my homestay in Keramas to move to Sukawati to my new guesthouse. Here, I pay about €14 - it is simple, but also incredibly beautiful. It has a very large garden with its own temple complex of the family. The owner (he doesn't know how old he is but estimates he is in his mid-60s), his wife, a son, the sister, and two of his grandchildren live here together with him.

At noon, I strolled through Sukawati (Jalan Jalan = going for a walk/letting oneself drift) and got something to eat. For the equivalent of €1.20, I got a portion of fried veg. rice and water.

Then I treated myself to a 30-minute back massage for eight euros (it was necessary after the twisted sleep on the plane)

At around 3:00 pm, I returned and tried to find something suitable to wear because I really didn't pack anything for a wedding. I had to make sure that my arms were covered and definitely my knees, and since I don't have a sarong (not yet), I put on long pants and a long-sleeved shirt and immediately started sweating 😅

And due to my well-trained German manners, I waited.

Kadek said he would send someone to pick me up at 6:00 pm - so of course, I was ready at 5:50 pm. After a while, I asked and he said someone would leave in 20 minutes. Okay, so I went back to my guesthouse. Just then, the daughter-in-law of the owner returned and invited me to join her, and we had a very nice, very interesting conversation.

Rahti is a lawyer, she works, has two young children at home, and her husband also works, which is something I hear for the first time here in Bali. We sat on her terrace for a whole hour, talking, and I was able to ask her a lot of questions.

I have to say, so far I have mostly encountered the older, traditional structures that are present in the more rural parts of Bali - if a family has enough money, women (if at all) usually only start working when the children are older.

It is common for women to move to their husbands - especially if they marry the first-born - and then take care of the in-laws and children. The second or third sons can move away. 

Also, Kadek's wife is at home, his son will go to preschool at the age of four, and when asked if his wife will then work, he is not sure if he will let her..

I am getting to know him as someone for whom his family is the most important thing and yes - not letting his wife work is primarily associated with a fear that she will gain too much independence, there is no gender equality.

But somehow, I also keep noticing how important women are here and how they are put on a high pedestal, and he does everything he can to ensure that his mother and wife can afford what they want. 

A man is considered good 'marriage material' if he has enough money for the woman not to have to work and simply enjoy her life (though with unequal voting rights). - as I said, this family structure is mostly found in rural regions.

Rahti tells me about a more equal marriage. She completed her law degree in Jakarta and later opened her own law firm in Denpasar. She got married at the age of 28 (late for here) and then had two children. Before the birth of her first daughter, she closed her law firm. Two years later, her son arrived. She stayed at home for 3 years - but it didn't last long with the second child, she tells me. 24-hour childcare was too much for her nerves. She and her husband decided to put the children in daycare, and Rahti started working again. She needed a balance and missed her work. However, you also have to be able to afford it.. There are no public facilities or state support.

Now her husband changed jobs because he was unhappy - everything in mutual agreement, as the new job pays less, and now she earns more than him.

No problem for both of them, she says and laughs - 'he gives it back to me differently 😂'

Well.. and then at some point it was 7:30 pm and the driver finally arrived and I was allowed to go to the wedding 🤩

I was super nervous because I thought I would stand out in the midst of everything and while I know some customs, I don't know them all - and you can quickly come across as disrespectful unintentionally. Plus, I was the only white woman and also alone!

But the bride and groom were so friendly and greeted me very politely, as did Kadek's entire family. 

First, I was led to his wife's room and was lent a sarong so that I was dressed appropriately.

The wedding started at 8:00 am - and until 4/5 pm, guests kept coming and praying all day. A kind of 'priest' played Balinese singing bowls. The ceremony is very sacred and, if I understood correctly, only Hindus are allowed to attend. 

Altogether, there were probably around 350 guests (at large weddings, there are more than 600 guests) and the whole thing costs a fortune by local standards.

 A buffet was ordered and even staff to manage all the arriving guests and motorcycles in the parking lot in front of the door.

It was incredibly exciting to observe everything. Women and men mostly sat separately - there was no alcoholic drink for women.

I was the only one allowed to drink beer - for a 'Bule' (=tourist in Balinese - and a not quite polite word) it is apparently okay.. and I was fine with it 😅 I was also allowed to sit with Kadek and the men, with a paper cup and ice and beer. The cup is filled (usually the youngest person is responsible for that) and it is passed around in a circle. After the person has finished drinking, the cup is passed back and refilled for the next person. 

Yes, beer with ice in a paper cup 🤣 but due to the heat, it can only be consumed with ice... 

At 9:00 pm, the live music with Balinese songs started and the men started dancing. Again, it is not common for women to dance, but apparently mainly unmarried men do.

It was very funny to watch.

I was asked to take many photos with the people, but overall, I was either warmly accepted or simply ignored 😅

It was an incredible joy to watch the whole hustle and bustle and I am very grateful that I was invited.

I wanted to take you with me into the Balinese world that I am fortunate to experience here and hope that I was able to convey my impressions somehow.

Tomorrow, I will continue, I don't know where yet 😂

Selamat malan ❤️