Not all goodbyes are forever

I can't believe it. My volunteer service is over, time really flew by. I can still remember the night before my flight. I hadn't been this panicked since my math final exam in high school. The thoughts in my head just wouldn't stop: 'What am I doing? I don't even know Spanish or Catalan. Did the impulse to go abroad really come from me? Am I just chasing a wrong dream/image?' The thoughts seemed to get louder and louder the later it got. But in the end, I got on the plane. Anything else would have been pretty stupid.

What I also thought was pretty stupid at the time was all the talk about 'finding myself' abroad... My opinion on that statement is that you are always yourself. Even if you pretend, the impulse always comes from your own 'self' that you express differently. That's why I want to interpret the statement in my own way. Before the volunteer service, I was myself, but in school I felt like that wasn't good enough. That's why I had some pretty big self-doubts that really hindered me and my self-confidence. But through all of my experiences, I realized: there are people (friends, children, colleagues, etc.) who appreciate me for exactly who I am, no ifs or buts. I have enough reason to walk confidently through the world and think less. Because I am valued not only by my closest friends and family at home, but also by all the people I met in Spain. So, with my own interpretation, I do agree with the statement.

A great example is when I went out to eat alone for the first time, in Ibiza. In November, for various reasons, I wasn't feeling well, especially on Ibiza. It was one of the low points of my volunteer service. The only reason I went out to eat in the first place was because I couldn't figure out how to use the stupid gas stove in our apartment. So, without a plan or goal, I just set off, and it wasn't easy to find an open restaurant because it was low season in Ibiza and most places were closed, especially outside the main area (we were in the village of Cala Llonga). But somehow, I was lucky. One restaurant was open, and the FIFA World Cup was being shown on TV. There was no one in the restaurant except for an older man and me, as well as the owner, the waiter, and the bartender. I got a table with a view of the TV. Then the waiter advised me on the food, he was really nice and friendly. Later, some English people came to the bar, and I talked to them and they promptly invited me to join them for sangria, they knew the owner and told me they had a song they always sing together. Alegría de vivir (Joy of living), they all sang it together. The moment was magical, and every time I hear the song, I think of that. The next day, I ran into an English woman on the beach. She hugged me and even remembered my name. I went to the restaurant several more times after that. Always alone. When I mentioned that we didn't have any bread left in our apartment, they gave me a whole baguette. On my last evening in Ibiza, Spain played against Costa Rica and won by a large margin. I had only ordered a Fanta, but they promptly gave me Iberian ham, and after Spain's victory (the atmosphere in the restaurant was very festive), I was given a glass of white wine on the house. Then I talked for a long time with the waiter and the owner (Álvaro), and when I mentioned that it was my last evening there, I got another glass of white wine and the bartender, waiter, and Álvaro toasted with me. Finally, everyone hugged me and gave me kisses on the cheek. That gave me so much strength because at the beginning, I was really scared to go alone. But it was so worth it. From that day on, it became easier for me to do things alone. Because cool things always happen to you.

One of the best things that happened this year is the deep friendship with my friend Lotti. She is now one of my best friends and her loving, honest, and creative nature is very enriching. I messaged her back then and it also showed that it's better to ask and take initiative, otherwise the answer will always be no in advance.

Generally, I try not to get too personal in my posts, after all, not only friends, family, and acquaintances read my blog. But right now, it feels right somehow, otherwise I would feel like I'm concealing how amazing, challenging, beautiful, bittersweet, sad, euphoric, exciting, educational, and life-changing this year was. So, this is just a half report and a lot of reflection.

It wasn't all perfect and rainbows. Whether conflicts in the shared apartment, at work, regular waves of homesickness, general dissatisfaction, feelings of loneliness and lack of motivation, a few dating fails, confusion about my studies, or simply exhaustion after work in the beginning. But I wouldn't change any of these circumstances. That's why they are mentioned here, because they were just as much a part of it as all the positive things.

I have to be honest, despite the panic before my departure, I started this year very naively. Since I tend to be a perfectionist in general, it frustrated me a lot at the beginning that I couldn't get along with everyone. But that also helped me grow, I learned and have learned to accept that you just can't get along with everyone, no matter how much you want to. In that case, you just have to give yourself and the other person some space. It's okay to be unmotivated at work sometimes and not give 110%, you don't always have to love kids. It's also okay to be sad sometimes for no real reason, even if everything seems to be going well. I'm still learning this, but the volunteer service has helped a lot. I hope you don't get bored with all the philosophizing about personal development. So, here are a few funny anecdotes.

In Spain, I had a lot of firsts: my first time on the Spanish mainland in general, my first time partying properly, discovering Bad Bunny, realizing that I live by the beach with palm trees and all that, eating out alone for the first time, hearing 'te quiero' (I love you) from a child for the first time, or unfortunately also 'tu vas a matar manaña' (you will die tomorrow), the first of many times hearing that my eyes are as blue as the sea and if I'm not from France, the first time at a music festival and sitting on the shoulders of a stranger, being called 'Hola guapa' (Hello pretty) in the supermarket or on the street for the first time, being out until 6 am for the first time, seeing a rapper on the train for the first time, brunching for the first time including iced coffee, hearing 'Quedate' for the first time, making lasagna for the first time, or going to a classical concert alone for the first time. There are sooooo many other firsts. My favorite first was when Lotti and I ran into the not-so-cold sea half-naked after partying. Just because we wanted to and we could. Also very unforgettable and legendary. I realized that even though I'm more introverted, I enjoy being social. I loved just striking up conversations with people, whether at parties or seminars, my fear of it has basically disappeared. I'm much more relaxed and less tense.

In July, there were unfortunately many last times. But every new beginning requires a goodbye, so that you can have a new experience. July was surprisingly enlightening as well. On the last day of school, I was showered with negativity by someone from school, but I managed to stand up for my values and viewpoints. In the past, I wouldn't have spoken my mind so easily and honestly. Also, comments that are rather derogatory about my fashion style or the way I present myself barely affect me anymore.

A few last times were painful, but Barcelona is not out of the world. I will definitely come back to my favorite café and stroll through the streets of Barcelona. Because not all goodbyes are forever, the phrase 'hasta luego' (see you later)/'hasta pronto' (see you soon) also contains promises. The promise that it won't be the last time we see each other. I will come back, I know it.

But in July, I realized, I'm ready for something new. I look forward to my studies with nervous anticipation.

Finally, there's not much more to say except that I can recommend a voluntary social year to everyone. Whether abroad or not. It will challenge you, some more than others. The three best things that happened to me during the year are my gained self-confidence/finally more inner balance, getting to know Spain and especially Barcelona in many facets (linguistically, culturally, historically, climatically, culinary, etc.), and of course the hopefully lifelong friendships (especially the one with Lotti, kisses on the noggin).

What was also great was seeing that I make a difference in the lives of the children. Children notice when the love you give is genuine and they give you love back, unconditionally. Hugs, birthday gifts, everyone wanting to be caught by you, or just some funny conversations are just a few of the beautiful things. The warmth I always felt was truly priceless and made even a bad day better. Enough of the mushy stuff: if you're considering doing a voluntary service, do it! It's true what everyone says, it really changes you and you learn things that you would never learn in school or university, because you really have to step out of your comfort zone. I will never forget this year, no matter how cliché that sounds. It just is.

I also want to thank everyone. Thank you for the positive criticism and honest suggestions for improvement for my blog, thank you for reading along, and thank you for every open ear/eye. I never thought that this blog would be so much fun, and I plan to continue it for future travels, so stay tuned, cariños. Feel free to give me feedback now too. It is always welcome. Love you all and hasta pronto.

One more little poem, that rhymes rather poorly...

Declaration of Love to Barcelona (June 20, 23, 9:50 PM)

Caught between homesickness

Fear of leaving the present behind too quickly

and suffering from wanderlust in the future

Maybe missing out on something because of too many thoughts

I probably was never really in love

except with this city

the feeling it gives me

I'm never satisfied

From all the beauty of the buildings

the openness of the people

knowing that I'm not wasting my time here

Despite all the struggles

There are always ups and downs

right now, I'm flying high again

out of my room

just getting out through colorful days and nights

Thank you, Barcelona

for everything every day

it's a gift

I won't forget it