St Kilda and my birthday

I moved!

But let's start at the beginning....
I really made the most of my last days in Melbourne.

I met up with Carolina from Lisbon. It was strange to go on a date with a stranger, but it was an interesting evening 😊 We didn't end up doing the Great Ocean Road together because she wanted to go camping and I didn't feel like buying stuff that I would have to carry around. But the tour will still be there.

I participated in the Cube in the City twice and then went out to eat with the people. I always thought my English was good, but when I was among native speakers, I sometimes missed the context. 😅 Nevertheless, I met very nice people - of course, educators, as always. What I still find difficult is to answer personal questions directly. For example, "why are you doing this trip?". I currently lack the routine for that, but it will come with time. Everyone here has been very patient so far. 😊

On Sunday, I went to the Big Vegan Market. Paradise! Food, food everywhere! And everything vegan and almost everything gluten-free. No need to ask four times and explain five times, etc. Just stuff my face, that's something I'm good at 😁 Besides food, there were a lot of things that the world doesn't need. Creams and jars and candles, bags,...which I probably would have really needed at home! Unfortunately, as a backpacker, I don't have room for knick-knacks. Or luckily, because it was expensive on top of that.

Six days after my last entry here, I finally managed to move out. As beautiful as the days outside and the evenings in the park with the opossums were, the atmosphere at home was oppressive.

It felt like one big struggle, but my mind didn't want to leave because it hoped things would get better. But my gut knew it was time to go, yet the fear was still so great. Eventually, we all agreed that I should leave. The step felt really heavy. Another goodbye and leaving something familiar behind. I often forget that what comes next is usually not worse than what was before.
Because after the goodbye was done, I survived the tram ride to St Kilda and settled into my own AirBnB apartment, I felt 1000 times lighter. That's when I realized that the first step is always the hardest. The step where you face your fears and step out of your comfort zone.

But then: Finally, peace and quiet! A big bed and a bathroom all to myself! Listening to loud music, singing out of tune, leaving everything lying around, and finally cutting my toenails 😅 (Seriously, where do you do that while traveling? In a hostel room? In the shower? In the park? In the bathroom?)
The apartment was the best gift I could give myself. It's located in the red-light district, so there are a lot of weird characters hanging around, but I don't stand out. It's not far from the beach, and everything I need is nearby. And I love the beach, even when it's not swimming weather.
The smell as you get closer and the wind whips your face. The scent of salt and sea and vacation and freedom.

I spent my birthday the same way. First, I celebrated:

I had a huge breakfast at one of the best vegan cafes (Matcha Mylkbar) here. 

Then, I walked from St Kilda to Brighton to see the beach boxes and walked all the way back. It took about four hours and was a completely new birthday experience. Being completely alone, not receiving personal birthday wishes or hugs. Okay, I don't need that every year, but it just felt right for this year.
Of course, there were moments of sadness when I received calls, messages, and videos. It would be strange if there weren't! But in the end, I'm very glad that things are the way they are.

In general, it's a completely new experience to feel so alone in the world. I HAVE to make all the decisions myself, do everything myself. Because if I don't, there's no one to take care of it for me or to pass it on to. For some things, it takes me a few more days, but in the end, I do them. I like that 😊 Because I can see that with every decision, I take another step forward. And ideally, it comes from my gut rather than my head.

On my last two days in St Kilda, I was very brave and took a break from everything. I realized that I had forgotten how to be alone with myself or how to simply be bored. Not occupying myself with something or distracting myself, whether it's the phone, food, a book, or whatever else. So I put my phone on airplane mode and spent time alone. It was really challenging, I must say! At first, I fooled myself...I strolled through the stores...got caught up in the bookstore...and already had the next purchase in my hands. But then I suddenly realized that I can read 1000 books and none of them will bring me closer to myself. Only I can do that without anyone or anything else. I also became aware again of how often I define myself based on feedback from others. If someone likes me, I like myself. If someone rejects me, I think I should be different. And I'm tired of that. I want to like myself. Then it doesn't matter what others think. But for that, I need to clean up inside. I sat down on the beach and just watched what was happening. A lot came up. Sometimes I cried and laughed at the same time. And sometimes I felt nothing and thought nothing.
On the second day, boredom set in...and boredom is known to bring the best ideas. So I thought, I'll do something useful. I thought, I grabbed a bag and collected trash on the beach. It felt really good and definitely didn't feel like a waste of time!

I liked that. Just like I liked riding a bike here, or walking barefoot, or trying a new food for the first time.
I've made that my goal for the near future. To distract myself less and do more of the things I enjoy. Find out what brings me joy and what feels light. And then try to do much more of that in everyday life.

I left my AirBnB yesterday and am now back in Melbourne. In a real hostel with six beds in the room, and a shared shower and toilet (just my thing) and a shared kitchen. I'm a true backpacker now. Breakfast this morning was a challenge because I forgot my utensils (thanks, Kobi! 😍) in the room. Anyone who watched me probably had to gag...or laugh. Depending on their perspective.

By now, I've purchased a small laptop. I didn't expect it, but I really missed having one. Now I can calmly write my applications, etc. and I'm not dependent on the computers in the libraries, which are all time-restricted. I even bought it on the same day I made the decision. So I'm getting better at making decisions! 😅

I'll be staying in the hostel until Saturday, then I'm going on a little road trip with three strangers I found on Facebook. Finally, I will see the Great Ocean Road and the Grampians. It was about time. After that, I'll return to Melbourne, but I've already found someone who is excited to travel up the east coast with me. Let's see if we get along. We're meeting this afternoon and visiting the penguins in St Kilda.

I don't know if all of this is right for me. But it doesn't matter, I'm just trying it out now. I'll know afterward if it was good. And I can live alone again when my toenails need cutting 😂