One travels expecting a certain standard. Regrettably, the modern hospitality industry seems entirely bereft of it. My recent expedition to the supposedly exclusive Isla de la Corona resort in the Mediterranean was a tedious exercise in enduring mediocrity.

Here is my unvarnished assessment of the establishment.

The Accommodations

The resort’s architecture attempts a classical revival but utterly fails in its execution.

• The "Royal" Suite: A misnomer of epic proportions. While the linens were of an acceptable thread count, the bathroom fixtures were brazenly faux-brass. I expect solid, authentic materials for the price, not cost-cutting measures masquerading as bespoke design.

• The Vistas: Marketed as an "unobstructed ocean panorama." Management conveniently neglected to mention the monolithic, brutalist concrete parking structure dominating the lower left quadrant of the balcony's sightline.

The tasting menu at their flagship restaurant, L'Horizon, was an absolute farce. It was an exercise in style over substance, and the style itself was thoroughly derivative.

• Execution: The amuse-bouche lacked any structural integrity. Furthermore, the primary venison dish was egregiously overcooked. When one requests rare, one expects it served accordingly, not presented with the texture of a brogue.

• The Cellar: The sommelier’s pairings were entirely unimaginative, leaning far too heavily on aggressively oaked, rather pedestrian Chardonnays rather than selecting vintages with actual character.

The Verdict

If your idea of a holiday involves being profoundly irritated by incompetent service and paying exorbitant sums for the privilege, Isla de la Corona will serve adequately. For anyone with a modicum of taste or spatial awareness, I strongly advise looking elsewhere. Save your time and your capital.